02Oct08

"Can you tell me how to get to the Postoffice?"

"That's just where I want to go. Let's work together. You go south, and I'll go north, and we'll report progress every time we meet."

The reason which often prevents us abandoning a single vice is having so many----La Rochefoucauld

01Oct08

An Englishman who had been visiting a Kentucky Colonel living in New York City decided to go to Virginia to spend the winter. After he had been away for a couple of weeks he wrote enthusiastically to his southern friend in New York: "Oh, I say, old top, you never told me that the South ws anything like I've found it, and so different to the North. Why, man, it's God's country!"

The Colonel, a voluntary exile from Kentucky, promptly wired back:

"Of course it is. You didn't suppose God was a Yankee, did you?"

We do not usually reckon a woman's fist flirtation until she has had a second---La Rochefoucauld

30Sep08

"Say, what's that building there?"

"Where?"

"You looked too late. It's gone."

The same pride which makes us blame faults from which we believe ourselves free causes us to despise the good qualities we have not.---La Rochefoucauld

29Sep08

Gardener---"This is a tobacco plant in full flower, madam."

Dear Old Lady---"How very interesting! And how long will it be before the cigars are ripe?"

It is valueless to a woman to be young unless pretty, or to be pretty unless young---La Rochefoucauld

28Sep08

An income tax repayment claim had been made for $60 but the taxpayer had miscalculated the amount, for actually $90 was due to him. A check for this amount was sent, and this is how he acknowledged it:

"Dear Sir,--I am now seventy years of age. At last I believe in Santa Claus."

It is a great misfortune neither to have enough wit to talk well nor enough judgment to be silent---La Bruyere

27Sep08

A very valuable dachshund, owned by a wealthy woman, was run over.

The policeman detailed a man to tell the woman of her misfortune.

"But break the news gently," he said, "She thinks a lot of this dog."

The man rapped on the mansion door and, when the woman appeared, he said: "Sorry, lady, but part of your dog has been run over."

Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think---La Bruyere

26Sep08

"John has an umbrella that has been in his possession for twenty years."
"That's long enough. He ought to return it."



There are no ugly women; there are only women who do not know how to look pretty---La Bruyere

25Sep08

Father (impessively)---"Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, what would become of you, my boy?"

Irreverent Son---I'd stay here. The question is, What would become of you?"

What is mind? No matter, What is matter? Never mind--Thomas Hewitt Key

24Sep08

"What happened after you were thown out of the side exit on your face?"

"I told the usher I belonged to a very important family."

"So what?"

"He begged my pardon, asked me in again and threw me out of the front door."

Second marriage; the triumph of hope over experience--Dr. Johnson

23Sep8

A man dreamed that he had died and that he found himself in a vast expanse where he was exceedingly comfortable. He rested for awhile and then, becoming somewhat bored, he shouted out, "Is there anybody here?"

In a moment a white-robed attendant appeared and asked, "What do you want?"

"What can I have?" was the answer.

"You can have whatever you want," replied the attendant.

"Well, then bring me something to eat."

"What do you want to eat?" asked the attendant. "You can have anything you want."

And so they brought him just what he wanted, and he went on eating and sleeping and having a glorious time. He wanted something more and asked for games. He went on getting everything he wanted whenever he asked for it, but at last he got more than a little bored and summoned the attendant and said:

"I want something to DO!"

"I am sorry, but that is the only thing we cannot give you here."

And the man said, "I am sick and tired of it; I'd rather go to hell!"

"Where do you think you are?!" exclaimed the attendant.

It is God who makes woman beautiful, it is the devil who makes her pretty--Victor Hugo

22Sep08

An elderly man put a dime on the Salvation Army drum, then asked the girl in charge:

"What do you do with this money?"

"Give it to the Lord."

"How old are you, young lady?"

"Nineteen."

"I'm eighty-seven," said the man as he recovered his dime from the drum. "You don't need to bother; I'll more likely see the Lord before you do."

The paths of civilization is paved with tin cans---Elbert Hubbard

21Sep08

"Your apartment is just as cute as ever. Don't you just adore it?"

"Naw I'm moving."

"Why, what's come over you?"

"An opera singer."

The terrible thing about the quest for truth is that you find it----Remy de Gourmont

20Sep08

We stood awed at the beauty of the great canyon. Not a member of the party spoke; speech was inadequate for such a spectacle as this. "Well," broke out the wit of the company, "isn't it gorgeous?"

It was such fun to shove him off the edge.

Modesty is the delicate form of hypocrisy.----Remy de Gourmont

19Sep08

A man who stuttered was asked why he did so.

"It's my p-p-p-p-peculiarity," he answered. "Everybody has s-s-s-some p-p-p-peculiarity."

"I don't have any," said the questioner.

"Don't y-y-y-you s-s-stir c-c-c-coffee with your r-r-r-right hand?"

"Yes, of course."

"Th-that's your p-p-p-peculiarity. Most p-p-p-people use a s-s-s-s-poon!"

Man begins by loving love and ends by loving a woman. Woman begins by loving a man and ends by loving love----Remy de Gourmont

18Sep08

A gentleman was much surprised when the good-looking young lady greeted him by saying, "Good evening." He could not remember ever having seen her before.

She evidently realized that she had made a mistake, for she apologized, and explained:

"Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of two of my children.

"She walked on while the man stared after her. She did not realize, of course, that he was unaware of the fact that she was a school teacher.

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last----

17Sep08

"He said you were what?"

"Laconic,"

"What does that mean?"

"Dunno. But I gave him one on the nose to be on the safe side."

Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands---Remy de Gourmont

16Sep08

Harry Jones was a prominent member of a fraternal lodge. At the breakfast table he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred at the lodge the previous night. The president of the lodge offered a silk hat to the brother who could stand up and truthfully say that during his married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife. "And, would you believe it, Helen?--not a one stood up." "Harry," his wife said, "why didn't you stand up?" "Well," he replied, "I was going to, but I know I look like hell in a silk hat."

Most men who run down women are running down one woman only---Remy de Gourmont.

15Sep08

Smith was relating his experiences in South America.

"I was taking my usual morning dip when I spotted three gladiators making for me, so I had to swim for my life!"

"You mean navigators--something like a crocodile?" interposed Jones.

"Well, what are gladiators?"

"Gladiators? Why, they're a sort of flower grown from bulbs."

A diplomatist is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age---Frost

14Sep08

The following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was pouring forth a volley of ill language against him:

"Have a care, friend, thou mayest run thy face against my fist."

A receiver is appointed by the court to take what's left----Frost

13Sep08

A young fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she, "thee must not do it."

"Oh, by Jove! but I must," said the youth.

"Well, friend, as thee hast sworn thee may do it, but thee must not make a practice of it."

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them---Frost

12Sep08

Antiquarian---"This vase is 2,000 years old.Be very careful in carrying it."

Moving Man--"You can depend on me, professor; I'll be as careful of it as if it were new!"

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her baby boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes---Frost

11Sep08

At a dance the young lady had just been introduced to her partner. By way of making conversation, she said, as they waltzed around the ballroom floor:

"Who is that terribly ugly man sitting over there?"

Her partner looked at the man she indicated.

"Why, thats my brother!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, you must excuse me," said the lady, in embarrassment, and added apologetically, "I really hadn't noticed the resemblance."

Time and tide wait for no man-but time always stands still for a woman of thirty--Frost

10Sep08

Two young men had been invited out to dinner by their employer. During the course of the meal the conversation drifted into channels which got the young friends into rather deep water for them.

"Do you care for Omar Khayyan?" asked their host, at one point during the dinner, thinking to discover the literary tastes of the young men.

"Pretty well," the one addressed replied, "but, personally, I prefer Chianti."

The subject was abandoned, but on the way home the other said to his chum:

"Why don.t you simply say you don't know when you're asked something you don't understand? Omar Khayyam isn't a wine, you idiot. It's a kind of cheese."

There is one thing more expasperating than a wife who can cook and won't and that is the wife who can't cook and will---Frost

09Sep08

"Why didn't you deliver that message as instructed?" a man asked his servant.

"I did th' best I could sir."

"The best you could! Why, if I had known I was going to send a donkey, I would have gone myself."

There are those who argue that everything breaks even in this old dump of a world of ours. I suppose these ginks who argue that way hold that because the rich man gets ice in the summer and the poor man gets it in the winter, things are breaking even for both. maybe so but I'll swear I can't see it that way---William Barclay Masterson

08Sep08

"You say he left no money!"

"No, You see he lost his health getting wealthy, and then lost his wealth trying to get healthy."

Keep you eyes wide open before marriage-half shut afterwards--Benjamin Franklin

07Sep08

Wilson---"Col. Becker says it's his rule 'Never to take a drink when you feel as if you need one'; and old Browning says 'Never take a drink except when you need one.' Now what is a fellow going to do?"

Manson---"Follow both rules, and you'll be all right."

When a man is at the racetrack he roars longer and louder over the twenty five cents he loses through the hole in the bottom of his pocket than he does over the $25 he loses through the hole in the top of his pocket.---William Barclay Masterson

06Sep08

"I'm getting old."

"Having rheumatism?"

"Worse than that. I'm having reminiscences."

There are three faithful friends: an old wife, an old dog and ready money--Benjamin Franklin

05Sep08

"Since he lost his money, half his friends don't know him any more."

"And the other half?"

"They don't know yet that he has lost it."

If you want to hit a man in the chest, aim for the groin---William Barclay Masterson

04Sep08

"Oh, yes," said Mrs. Lowell Cabot, proudly, "we can trace our ancestors back to--to--well, I don't know exactly who, but we've been descending for centuries."

He that falls in love will have no rivals---Benjamin Franklin

03Sep08

Hobbs---"I really believe you have stopped your worrying. What brought about the change?"

Dobbs---(cheerfully)--"My troubles are more real than they used to be."

New York is the biggest boobtown there is. They will buy any damned thing here---William Barclay Masterson

02Sep08

She---(to Cousin John, who has just returned from the tropics)---

"Oh John, dear, how kind of you to bring me this dear little monkey! How thoughtful you are! But--but it is just like you!"

The people who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them--Anatole France

01Sep08

Tabloid Biography:

High chair,

High school,

High stool,

High finance,

High hat,

"Hi, Warden!"****

Every dog, we are told has his day, unless there are more dogs than days---William Barclay Masterson

31Aug08

She---(looking through family album)---"Doesn't dad look funny in those suspenders?"

He---(a practical soul)---"Yes, but he'd look a darned sight funnier without them.****

A writer is rarely so well inspired as when he talks about himself-Anatole France

30Aug08

"You can't imagine what things are like out in the arctic regions," the explorer was telling a group of friends.

"Oh, I don't know," said one. "Even if we haven't seen it we can imagine what it feels like."

"I doubt it. It's impossible until you've really seen it; until you've stood there, a small, insignificant atom, surrounded by vast stretches of white--"

"Yes, I know. I've been like that."

"Really? Where was that, may I ask?"

"First time I appeared at a formal dinner in a stiff dress shirt."****

Only the men who do not care about women are interested in women's dresses. And the men who like them never notice what they wear---Anatole France

29Aug08

"What's the idea of the Greens having French lessons?"

"They have adopted a French baby, and want to understand what she says when she begins to talk."****

How many men would be mute if they were forbidden to speak well of themselves and evil of others?----Mme De Fountaine

28Aug08

The story is told of the Kentucky colonel who had an argument with the devil. The devil said that no one had a perfect memory. But the colonel maintained that there was an Indian on his plantation who never forgot anything. The colonel agreed to forfeit his soul to the devil if the Indian ever forgot anything.

The devil went up to the Indian and said: "Do you like eggs?" The Indian replied, "yes." The devil went away.

Twenty years later the colonel died. The devil thought, "Aha, here's my chance." He came back to earth and presented himself before the Indian. Raising his hand, he gave the tribal salutation, "How."

Quick as a wink the Indian replied, "Fried."*****

Every hero becomes a bore at last.--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Johnson is so conceited."

"Yes, on his last birthday he sent a telegram of congratulation to his mother!"*****

We blame in others only the faults by which we do not profit--Alexander Dumas

26Aug08

"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see: legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Emlpire State Building?" asked the life of the party.

Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution.

"The answer," he said, "is a wooden hourse. It has eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk."

"Yes," the company agreed. "But how does it jump as high as the Empire State Building?"

"The Empire State Building," the humorist explained, "can't jump."****

I respect the institution of marriage-I have always thought that every woman should marry, and no man--Disraeli

"Do you live within your income?"

"Good heavens, no! It's all I can do to live within my credit."****

The best doctor is the one you run for and can't find.--Diderot

A family living in an apartment house in the suburbs of a large city had a cat to which they were very much attached. One day the catt got sick and finally died. As there was no rear yard to their home in which to bury the cat, father was forced to wrap the cat up in a newspaper and take it with him, being carefully reminded by mother to toss the bundle from the train window when en route to his work.

Father placed his bundle upon the baggage rack over his seat, but struck up a conversation with a fellow commuter and forgot to toss the bundle out the window. He took the package on to his office thinking that he would dispose of it on his way home that evening. But again he got to talking to someone on the train on the train, forgot about the cat, and still had the bundle under his arm when he arrived home. His wife scolded him about it and father promised to take care of the matter the next day. But once more his memory failed him. W hen for the third time he arrived home still carrying the bundle, poor mother became quite angry.

"You've got to dispose of that cat right now." said she. "Put it in the furnace right now as the fireman is seldom there at this hour."

Well, father decided perhaps he'd better take it to the basement and put it in the furnace , but as he lifted the bundle from a table it fell open, and lo and behold there was--a boiled ham!****

Love is an ocean of emotions, entirely surrounded by expenses--Lord Dewar

Jill, accompanied by her dog, is out walking.

She meets Jack, who invites her to the matinee.

Jill is willing--but what to do with the dog?

Jack suggests taking it to the police station.

Jill does so, pretending she has found it.

Matinee enjoyed.

Jack now calls at police station and claims "lost" dog.

Is told he must leave $20 reward for the finder, does so.

Jill then drops in and as "finder" receives the $20. All square.

Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough gold--Chesterfield.

"Did you set a steel trap on you front porch?"

"Yeh, the wolf had better not come to my door."

"Well, you've caught a bill collector."

When an actor has money, he doesn't send letters but telegrams---Anton Chekov

Aunt--"Can you explain radio to me, Arthur?"

Arthur--"Well, if you had a very long dog, reaching from New York to Chicago, and you trod on its tail in New York, it would bark in Chicago. That's telegraphy; and radio is precisely the same only without the dog."

Love in France is a comedy; in England a tragedy; in Italy an opera seria; and in Germany a melodrama.---Marguerite Blessington

Henry Brown arrived late at the country club dance, and discovered that in slipping on the icy pavement outside, he had torn one knee of his trousers.

"Come into the ladies' dressing room, Henry," said his wife. "There's no one there and I'll pin it up for you.

Examination showed that the rip was too large to be pinned. A maid furnished needle and thread and was stationed at the door to keep out intruders, while Mr. Brown removed his trousers. His wife went busily to work.

Presently at the door sounded excited voices.

"We must come in, maid," a woman was saying. "Mrs. Jones is ill. Quick, let us in."

"Here," said the resourceful Mrs. Brown to her terrified husband, "get into this closet for a minute."

She opened the dooor and pushed her husband through it just in time. But instantly, from the opposite side of the door, came loud thumps and the agonized voice of Mr. Brown demanding that his wife open it at once.

"But the women are here," Mrs. Brown objected.

"Oh, damn the women!" yelled Mr. Brown. "I'm out in the ballroom."

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow ye diet.

------William Gilmore Beymer

His wife asked him to copy a radio recipe. He did his best, but got two stations at once. And this is what he wrote down.

"Hands on hips, place one cup of flour on your shoulder, raise knees and depress toes; mix thoroughly in one-half cup of milk, repeat six times. Inhale quickly one half teaspoon of baking powder lower the legs and mash two hard boiled eggs in a sieve; exhale breath naturally and sift in a bowl. Attention! Lie flat on the floor and roll in the whites of two eggs backward and forward until it comes to a boil. In ten minutes remove from fire and rub smartly with a rough towel. Breathe naturally, dress in warm flannels and serve with tomato soup."

The man who enters his wife's dressing room is either a philosopher or a fool

-----Balzac

"When I see you I always think of Smith."

"But I am not in the least like Smith."

"Oh, yes. You both owe me $100."

A husband should always know what is the matter with his wife, for she always knows what is not.

---Balzac

Bore----"Talking about Africa makes me think of the time-----"

Bored One-----"Good gracious, you're quite right. I had no idea it was so late. Goodby."

Believe everything you hear said of the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

--Balzac

Mrs. Green had recently acquired a dog and was proudly demonstrating his good points to a friend.

"I know he's not what you would call a pedigree dog," she said, "but no tramp or beggar can come near the house withou his letting us know about it."

"What does he do?" asked her friend, "Bark the house down?"

"No; he crawls under the sofa."

Wives are young men's mistresses, companions for middle age, and old men's nurses.

--Francis Bacon

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to food. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you.

"First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds.

"Second, your beauty would be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick.

"And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives on the next floor."

Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them.

---Sophie Arnould

14Aug08


A New Yorker was traveling west in a Pullman when a group of chamber of commerce boosters from Kansas City, Mo., boarded the train and began to praise their city to the New Yorker, telling him of its beautiful boulevards, larger industrial establishments, and its wonderful possibilities. Finally the New Yorker became tired and said the only thing that would improve their city would be to make a seaport.
The enthusiastic Kansas Citians laughed at him and asked how they could make it a seaport, being so far from the ocean.
The New Yorker replied that it would be a very easy task.
"The only thing that you will have to do," he said, "is to lay a two-inch pipe from your city to the Gulf of Mexico. Then if you fellows can suck as hard as you can blow you will have it a seaport inside half an hour."

It was Mark Twain who wrote that while everyone talks about the weather, no one ever does anything about it

Way back in 2006 I enjoyed doing this blog immensly. I don't think anybody ever read it but that's ok. So I am going to start again and see how it goes.

The only opportunity a fish has to take a shower is to jump up when it rains.