23sep06

Wisdom too often never comes and so one ought not to reject it merely because it comes late!!!

"One of my ancestors," a Virginian told a Jew boastfully, "signed the Declaration of Independence."
"Ah, indeed," replied the Jew, "one of mine signed the Ten Commandments."


Quote for the day:

.......that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.---Abraham Lincoln

22sep06

A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn't feel like it!!!!

Sambo, a Sourthern darky, married Liza. In about two weeks he came to the reverend gentleman who had tied the knot, looking as if he had lost his last friend in the world.
"Whats's the matter, Sambo; aren't you happy?" the preacher inquired.
"No, suh, pahson. Ah wants a divorce."
"I'm sorry to hear that, Sambo, but you must remember that you took Liza for better or worse."
"Ah knows dat, pahson, but she's wuss dan ah took her fo',"


Quote for the day:

They stood before the altar and supplied
The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.----Ambrose Bierce

21sep06

You don't just luck into things as much as you'd like to think you do. You build step by step whether its friendships or opportunity!!!

Judge---"Mose, is your wife dependent upon you?"
Mose---"She sho is, jedge. If I didn't go out and get de washin' she'd starve plum to death."


Quote for the day:

Rumour is a pipe
Blown by surmises, jealousies, conjectures.---Shakespeare

20sep06

Just pray for a tough hide and a tender heart!!!

A Missouran is responsible for this:
"There are trees so tall in Missouri that it takes two men and a boy to look to the top of them. One looks till he gets tired, then another commences where he left off."


Quote for the day:

On this hapless earth
There's small sincerity of mirth,
And laughter oft is but an art
To drown the outcry of the heart.---Hartley Coleridge

19sep06

Sports is the only entertainment where, no matter how many times you go back, you
you never know the ending!!!

Ball Fan---"How do you account for the slump in Thirston's fielding average?"
Sporting Editor---"He goes after too many high balls."


Quote for the day:

There was ease in Casey's manner as he stepped into his place,
There was pride in Casey's bearing and a smile on Casey's face,
...............................................................................................
But there is no joy in Mudville------mighty Casey has struck out.---E.L. Thayer

18sep06


Even when the experts all agree, They may well be mistaken!!

"Fourth for bridge!"
"Okay!"
"That's great! Now all we need's a third."


Quote for the day:

If a man can write a better book, preach a better sermon, or make a better mouse-trap than his neighbor, though he builds his house in the woods, the world will make a beaten path to his door--Emerson

17sep06

What is art but a way of seeing!!!

Quote for the day:

I cannot sing the old songs
I sang long years ago,
For heart and voice would fail me
And foolish tears would flow.---Charlotte A. Barnard

16sep06

The work praises the man!!

"I hear Brown fell down on his pharmacy examination."
"Yes--he got mixed on the difference between a club and a Western sandwich."


Quote for the day:

God sends meat and the devil sends cooks.---Thomas Deloney

15sep06

Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow!!!

"Have a cigar?"
"No, thanks---sworn off smoking."
"Well, put one in your pocket for tomorrow."


Quote for the day:

The snail, which everywhere doth roam,
Carrying his own house still, still is at home.---Donne

14sep06

You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long!!!

The sleight-of-hand performance was not going very well.
"Can't any lady or gentleman lend me an egg?" asked the conjuror, coming down to the footlights.
"If we'd had one," shouted a man in the audience, "you'd have it before this."


Quote for the day:

Have we eaten on the insane root
That takes the reason prisoner?---Shakespeare

13sep06

Laziness is nothing more than resting before you get tired!!!

Beerbohm Tree liked to make a dramatic entrance in his plays, and in one he had to enter by flinging open a pair of double doors and standing a moment on the threshold in an impressive attitude. On the opening night he had got thus far when a voice shouted from the gallery:
"Next station Marble Arch!"


Quote for the day:

Talent is developed in retirement; character is formed in the rush of the world.--Goethe

12sep06

Bravery never goes out of fashion!!!

Robert Louis Stevenson, while in San Francisco was explaining to a friend at a restaurant a peculiarity of the local waiters which was that under no circustances would they admit that they did not have anything that might be called for on the bill-of-fare.
"They will take your order for a slice of the moon'" said he, "and go away as if they meant to fetch it, and then come back and say that they are just out of it."
To prove it he called the waiter and said: "A double order of broiled behemoth."
"Yes, sir," said the waiter, "will you have it rare or well done?"
"Well done," said Stevenson.
Pretty soon the waiter returned, "I am very sorry, but we are just out of behemoth."
"What, no more behemoth?" asked the novelist in a feigned astonment.
The waiter lowered his voice, "We have some more, sir," he whispered confidentially, "but the truth is, I would not bring it to you as it was not quite fresh."


Quote for the day:

The fields were fruitful, and starving men moved on the roads. The granaries were full and the children of the poor grew up rachitic, and the pustules of pellagra swelled on their side. The great companies did not know that the line between hunger and anger is a thin line.---John Steinbeck

11sep06

Today is "Patriots Day"

Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person!!

In his autobiography, "Days of Our Years," M. Pierre van Paassen tells of an Italian officer who, at a luncheon at the opening of the Italian Pavilion at the Paris Exhibition, started to tell of Fascist successes.
"Our Duce," he said, "ordered us to take Ethiopia, and we took it in the face of fifty-one nations determined to destroy us. He told us to take the Iron Ring around Bilbao; the next morning it was ours. "We have eight million bayonets---nothing can stop us. Let us be frank about it: if the Duce ordered his army to march into France tomorrow, what really could stop us?" There was an embarrassed silence. A French guest broke in. "Monsieur seems to forget the French Customs service," he remarked.


Quote for the day:

National Socialism does not harbor the slightest aggressive intent towards any European nation.----Adolf Hitler 1935

10sep06

It is hard to distinguish between the hard knocks in life and those of opportunity!!!

"Have you heard my last speech?" asked a political haranguer of a wit.
"I sincerely hope so," was the reply.


Quote for the day:

Man is a political animal.---Aristotle

09sep06

A Committee is an animal with four back legs!!!

A Scotch minister in a strange parish, wishing to know what his people thought of his preaching, questioned the beadle;
"What do they say of Mr. ------------------?"(his predecessor).
"Oh," said the beadle, "they say he's not sound."
"What do they say of the new minister?"(himself).
"Oh, they say he's all sound!"


Quote for the day:

I hope there is a resurrection day
For bodies, as the ancient prophets say,
When Helen's naked limbs again will gleam
Regathered from the dust of death's long dream---Harry Kemp

08sep06

The reason which often prevents us from abandoning a single vice is having so many!!!

"Did you get your money?" asked the wife of the dentist who had just returned from the delinquent patient's home.
"Not a cent," growled the dentist, "and worse that that, he insulted me, and gnashed my teeth at me!"


Quote for the day:

Money is honey, my little sonny.
And a rich man's joke is always funny---TE Brown

07sep06

Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind!!!

The patient was convalescing after an operation for appendicitis. His friend asked him how he was getting along.
"Pretty well," was the answer. "After my first operation, they had to cut me open again. It seems the surgeon had left a sponge in me and they had to get that out."
"But you got over it all right?"
"Oh, yes, only I had another opeation yesterday. They found a scalpel which had been sewed up in me by mistake."
"Surely you're all right now, though," the friend said encouragingly.
But the patient suffered a severe relapse, for just then the doctor hurried through the ward saying: "Has anyone seen my hat around here? I left it somewhere yesterday."


Quote for the day:

When people's ill, they becomes in I,
I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;
Sometimes they live, sometimes they die.
What's that to I? I lets 'em.---Dr. JC Lettsom

06sep06

If there is something we wish to change in the child we should first examine it to see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves!!!

Judge---"What possible excuse could you have for acquitting the prisoner?"
Foreman---"Insanity, sir."
Judge---"What, all twelve of you?"


Quote for the day:

And hungry judges soon the sentence sign,
And wretches hang that jurymen may dine.---Pope

05sep06

Despair is the price one pays for setting oneself an impossible aim!!!

"Gents," a fat man said in a hotel smoking room, "I hate to hear you lambasting lawyers the way you've been doing. A lawyer last year made me a present of one hundred and fifty dollars."
"Yes, he did!"
"Come off!"
"What are you giving us?"
But these gibes and jeers didn't move the fat man.
"It's the solemn truth, gents," he said. "You see, I was injured in a railroad accident last year, and this lawyer sued the railroad company, and got five thousand dollars damage. His bill was five thousand one hundred and fifty dollars, but he didn't say a word about the one hundred and fifty dollars balance. He made me a present of it."


Quote for the day:

He saw a lawyer killing a viper
On a dunghill hard by his own stable;
And the Devil smiled, for it put him in mind
Of Cain and his brother Abel.---S. T. Coleridge

04sep06

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man!!!

The President of the local gasoline company was making a stirring address.
"Think of the good the gas-company has done," he cried. "If I were permitted a pun I should say, 'Honor the Light Brigade.' "
And a customer immediately shouted, "Oh, what a charge they made!"


Quote for the day:

To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,
To throw a perfume on the violet,
To smooth the ice, or add another hue
Unto the rainbow, or with taper-light
To seek the beauteous eye of heaven to garnish,
Is wasteful and ridiculous excess.---Shakespeare

03sep06

Happiness is not so much in having as in sharing!!!

On his deathbed a manufacturer named six bankers as his pallbearers and explained that as they had carried him for so long that they might as well finish the job!


Quote for the day:

O Death! the poor man's dearest friend-
The kindest and the best.---Burns

02sep06

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it!!!

"What would you say about a man who hasn't even paid you for the hat he wears?"
"I'd say he's in debt over his ears."


Quote for the day:

I am French, I am Chauvin.---T and H. Cogniard

01sep06

The truth which makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear!!!

Customer in Drugstore (on Sunday morning)---"Please give me change for a dime."
Druggist--"Here it is. I hope you'll enjoy the sermon."


Quote for the day:

All religions must be tolerated...for...every man must get to heaven his own way.---Frederick the Great c1740

31aug06

The toughest part about being on a diet is shutting up about it!!!

Agent---"Don't you wish your office furnishings insured against theft?"
Boss---"Yes, all except the clock. Everybody watches that."


Quote for the day:

Alas! how swift the moments fly!
How flash the years along!
Scarce here, yet gone already by,
The burden of a song.
See childhood, youth, and manhood pass,
And age with furrowed brow:
Time was-Time shall be-drain the glass-
But where in Time is now?---John Quincy Adams

30aug06

Optimism is an intellectual choice!!!

"Will you be true to me?" asked the debutante daughter of a broker to her college boy friend.
"As true as steel," quoth he.
"Common or preferred?" she snapped back.


Quote for the day:

Why so pale and wan, fond lover?
Prithee. why so pale?
Will, when looking well can't move her,
Looking ill prevail?
Prithee , why so pale?---Suckling

29aug06

The more original a discovery the more obvious it seems afterward!!!

He(awkward dancer)-"It was nice of you to give me this dance."
She(sweetly)--"Not at all---this is a charity ball."


Quote for the day:

On with the dance! let joy be unconfin'd;
No sleep till morn. when Youth and Pleasure meet
To chase the glowing Hours with flying feet.---Byron

28aug06

It's every Americans duty to support his government but not necessarily in the style to which it has become accustomed!!!

In a college town a student called at a boarding house to inquire about rooms.
"And what do you charge for your rooms?" he asked.
"Five dollars up," was the reply.
"Yes, but I'm a student," he said, thinking the price a little high.
"That being the case, the price is $5 down."

Quote for the day:

Seven cities warred for Homer, being dead,
Who, living, had no roof to shroud his head.---Thomas Heywood

27aug06

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it!!!

Prof---"Take this sentence. 'Let the cow be taken out of the lot.' What Mood?"
Frosh---"The cow."


Quote for the day:

If you were to make little fishes talk, they would talk like whales. ----Oliver Goldsmith, to Dr. Johnson, 1773

26aug06

There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep!!!

Mrs.Cobb----"Was the grocer's boy impudent to you again when you telephoned your order this morning?"
Maid----"Yes, Mrs. Cobb, he was that; but I fixed him this time. I saz, 'Who the hell do you think you're talkin' to? This is Mrs. Cobb at the phone talkin'.'"


Quote for the day:

A sadder and a wiser man,
He rose the morrow morn.---S.T. Coleridge

25aug06

The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river!!!

Mistress---"Do you think you will settle down here? You've left so many situations."
Maid---"Yes, m'm. But remember I didn't leave any of them voluntarily."


Quote for the day:

Chaste to her husband, frank to all beside,
A teeming mistress, but a barren bride. -----Pope, Alexander (1688-1744)

24aug06

The less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudices!!!

Teacher---(looking over Teddy's home work)--"I don't see how it's possible for a single person to make so many mistakes."
Teddy---(proudly)--"It isn't a single person, teacher. Father helped me."


Quote for the day:

What's a' your jargon o' your schools,
Your Latin names for horns and stools;
If honest Nature made you fools.-----Burns, First Epistle to J. Lapraik

23aug06

Look out how you use proud words. When you let proud words go, it is not easy to call them back!!!

Teacher---"Johnny, why does Missouri stand at the head in mule-raising in the United States?"
Johnny---"Because the other end is dangerous."


Quote for the day:

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.---Shakespeare

22aug06

A politician is a person who can make waves and then make you think he's the only one who can save the ship!!!

Daughter---(having just received a beautiful set of mink skins from her father)--"What I don't see is how such wonderful furs can come from such a low, sneaking, little beast."
Father---"I don't ask for thanks, dear, but I really insist on respect."


Quote for the day:

But when we play the fool, how wide
The theatre expands! beside,
How long the audience sits before us!
How many prompters! what a chorus!----Landor

21aug06

The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes!!!

"Daddy, who was Hamlet?"
"Bring me the Bible, you ignoramus, and I'll show you who he was."


Quote for the day:

Good frend for Jesvs sake forbeare,
To digg the dust encloased heare.
Bles be ye man yt spares thes stones.
And curst be he yt moves my bones--Epitaph on Shakespeare's tombstone in Stratford

20aug06

It is important for our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not!!!

News Potographer (lining up children for a picture ath the Transit Valley Country Club) to small boy--"Smile nicely, at this little girl over here."
Small Boy--"Aw heck, that's my sister."


Quote for the day:

My sister! my sweet sister! if a name
Dearer and purer were, it should be thine.----Byron

19aug06

You can't act like a skunk without someone's getting wind of it!!!

Uncle Ben was visiting little Betty who had been ill.
"Well my dear," he said, "and how did you find yourself this morning?"
Betty opened her big, innocent blue eyes:
"Oh, Uncle, I just opened my eyes--and there I was!"

Quote for the day:

What is lovely never dies,
But passes into other loveliness.---Thomas Bailey Aldrich

18aug06

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time!!!

Four-year-old Doris was getting ready for bed. Suddenly she turned to her mother and asked: "Mother, are we going to move tomorrow?"
"Yes, dear, this is the last night you will sleep here."
"Then," said wee Doris, kneeling beside her bed, "I'd better say good-by to God now if we move to Boston in the morning."


Quote for the day:

And this is the good old Boston,
The home of the bean and the cod,
Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
And the Cabots talk only to God.---J.C Bossidy

17aug06

We never repent of having eaten too little!!!

Stranger---"How old is your little baby brother?"
Little Girl---"He's a this years's model."


Quote for the day:

I have fallen in love with American names,
The sharp names that never get fat,
The snakeskin-titles of mining-claims,
The plumed war-bonnet of Medicine Hat,
Tucson and Deadwood and Lost Mule Flat.---Stephen Vincent Benet

16aug06

Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides!!!

"How did your wife get on with her slimming diet."
"Fine---she disappeared completely last week!"


Quote for the day:
As the Texas darky said: "Dinner-time fur some folks; but just twelve o'clock for me!"---Irvin S. Cobb

15aug06

Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it and wiser than the one that comes after it!!!!

"Men are too mean for anything," said the young bride.
"Whats's the trouble now?" asked her best friend.
"Why, I asked Jack for the car today, and he said that I must be content with the splendid carriage that nature gave me."


Quote for the day:

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Learning together
Headpiece filled with straw, Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar.----T.S. Eliot

14aug06

When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it!!!

"I see in the paper that a widower with nine children out in Iowa has married a widow with seven children."
"That wasn't a marriage, that was a merger."


Quote for the day:
He loves his bonds, who, when the first are broke,
Submits his neck unto a second yoke.----Herrick

13aug06

Watching the scenery instead of the car ahead is the way to become part of both!!!

Wife---"Isn't it wonderful how the waves keep rolling in, darling?"
Husband---"Yes, they remind me of the household bills at home, dear."


Quote for the day:
The house of every one is to him his castle and fortress, as well for his defence against injury and violence, as for his repose---Sir Edward Coke

12aug06

Always put off till tomorrow what you shouldn't do at all!!!

She---"I wonder if you'll love me when my hair has turned gray."
He---"Why not? I've loved you every time you've changed color so far."


Quote for the day:
The created world is but a parenthesis in eternity.---Sir Thomas Browne

11aug06

Do not tell fish stories where the people know you: but particularly don't tell them where they know the fish!!!

"My husband and I attend to our budget every evening. It is more economical."
"How so dear?"
"By the time we get it balanced, it is too late to go anywhere."


Quote for the day:
It is impossible to believe the emotional and spiritual intensity and pure, classic beauty that can be produced by a man, an animal, and a piece of scarlet serge draped over a stick.---Ernest Hemingway, (Death in the Afternoon)

10aug06

If your teenager mows the lawn without being told, don't plan on using the car that night!!!

Woman Friend---"No wonder Edith won't look at you. It's your own fault. You act like a slave--fawning and cringing before her, as if you didn"t dare to call your soul your own."
Mr. Wormley---"Dont't women like that kind of thing?"
Woman Friend---"Um--not until after marriage."


Quote for the day:
Ask not of me, love, what is love?
Ask what is good of God above--
Ask of the great sun what is light--
Ask what is darkness of the night--
.....................................................
Ask what is sweetness of thy kiss--
Ask of thyself what beauty is.-------------PJ Bailey

9aug06

When we put our best foot forward, the other one had better be good enough to stand on!!!

Nervous Suitor---"Sir, er--that is, I would like to--er, that is, I mean I have been going with your daughter for five years--"
Father---"Well, waddye want---a pension?"


Quote for the day:
I teach you the Superman. Man is something which shall be surpassed.---Nietzsche

8aug06

Disappointment is the nurse of wisdom!!!

Dentist's Daughter---"Well, dear, have you asked father for my hand yet?"
Shy Suitor---"No, Everytime I step into his office I lose courage. Today I allowed him to pull another tooth."


Quote for the day:
Needles and pins, needles and pins,
When a man marries his trouble begins.---Anonymous

7aug06

He who has health is rich and does not know it!!

She (tenderly)---"And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"
He---"Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."


Quote for the day:
The moth's kiss first!
Kiss me as if you made believe
You were not sure, this eve,
How my face, your flower, had pursed
Its petals up.---R. Browning

6aug06

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befall him!!

Maid (to spring-cleaning mistress)---"There are half a dozen men down-stairs with vacuum cleaners. They say they have appointments to give demonstrations."
Mistress---"Yes, I sent for them. Put them in different rooms and tell them to get busy."


Quote for the day:
.....the Romantic Hero was no longer the knight, the wandering poet, the cowpuncher, the aviator, nor the brave young district attorney, but the great sales-manager, who had an Analysis of Merchandising Problems on his glass-topped desk, whose title of nobility was "go-getter,"...---Sinclair Lewis

5aug06

The true profession of a man is to find his way to himself!!!

"Oh I'm so glad to get my feet on vice versa again," said the American woman as the ship landed in France.
"My dear, you don't mean vice versa, you mean terra cotta," corrected her Yankee husband.


Quote for the day:
Home-keeping youth have ever homely wits...
I would rather entreat thy company
To see the wonders of the world abroad
Than, living dully sluggardized at home,
Wear out thy youth with shapeless idleness.---Shakespeare