09Jun09

New Yorker (incredulously)---"And you mean to say that in California you have 365 days of sunshine a year?"
Man from Los Angeles---"Exactly so, sir, and that's amight conservative estimate."



Quote for the day:
Yesterday we heard positively the last one on our friend, the absent-minded professor. He slammed his wife and kissed the door.

08Jun09

Fire Chief (putting recruit throug his paces)---"We have only one fire engine. Now, suppose we are called away to a fire and you are left in charge of the station. Another fire breaks out several miles away. What would you do about the second fire?"
Recruit---"I'd endeavor to keep it alight, sir, until you got back."



Quote for the day:
A member of a jazz orchestra recently went back to his job in a boiler factory. Possibly the poor fellow couldn't stand the noise.

07Jun09

"ou didn't roll you own cigarettes before. Why do you do so now?"
"Because the doctor told me I needed a little exercise."



Quote for the day:
Whom the juries would acquit they first make mad.

06Jun09

"You're what is called a self-made man?"
"Yes, I suppose I am."
"Your wife and daughters must be proud of you."
"They're about as proud of me as they would be of a home-made dress."



Quote for the day:
It has been asked why more Americans do not own hippopotamuses. It probably is because none of the installment stores have thought about selling hippopotamuses at a dollar down and a dollar a week thereafter.

05Jun09

First New Englander---"So you had an operation on your nose?"
Second New Englander---"Yes, it was getting so I could hardly talk through it."



Quote for the day:
Guests will happen in, in the best regulated families.

04Jun09

"Glad to see you, old man. Can you lend me five dollars?"
"Sorry, but I haven't a cent with me today."
"And at home?"
"They're all very well, thank you, very well."



Quote for the day:
Why is a Scot called close. You can touch anybody who is close.

03Jun09

"I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when----"
"yes,yes; go on."
"I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!"



Quote for the day:
Italy likes her duces wild.

02Jun09

A lady had just purchased a postage stamp at a substation. "Must I stick it on myself?" She asked.
"Positively not, madam," replied the postal clerk. "It will accomplish more if you stick it on the envelope."



Quote for the day:
When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a birthday she takes a year off.

01Jun09

"I fought a tough battle to get into society in Boston, but I finally managed it."
"I imagine you had to keep your chin up."
"No, just my nose!"



Quote for the day:
Every woman should have at least one husband to share her joys and her sorrows and her friends secrets.

31May09

The preacher came along and wrote upon the signboard: "I pray for all."
The lawyer wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
The doctor added: "I prescribe for all"
The plain citizen wrote: "I pay for all!"



Quote for the day:
A man who sits in a swamp all day waiting to shoot a duck will kick if his wife has dinner ten minutes late.

30May09

Cries for help had attracted Fred's attention. A big man was beating a much smaller individual.
"Leave him alone!" shouted Fred, who threw himself into the fray and knocked out the big man with a well-timed uppercut.
"Thanks," said the little man after he had pulled himself together. "Now, look here, you share this $50 I took off him."



Quote for the day:
When company stays too long, just treat them like members of the family and they'll soon leave.

29May09

"How was the scenery on your trip?"
"It ran largely to tooth-paste and smoking tobacco."



Quote for the day:
A bride of eighteen faces the task of cooking 50,000 meals. Not if she can find a can-opener.

28May09

"Whaddaya consider the height of human incompetence?"
"How about a drum-major with an inferiority complex?"



Quote for the day:
It's an ill wind that shows no pretty knees.

27May09

"Have any of your childhood hopes been realized?
"Yes, When mother used to pull my hair I wished that I didn't have any."




Quote for the day:
A shining example of old-fashioned simplicity is an unpowdered nose.

26May09

"Do you know what it is to go before an audience?"
"No, I spoke before an audience once, but most of it went before I did."



Quote for the day:
Smoke and the world smokes with you; swear off and you smoke alone.

25May09

"Well, I must be going."
"Don't let me keep you if yhou really must be going," said his bored host.
"Yes, I really must go. But, really, I did enjoy our little visit. Do you know when I came in here I had a deadache, but now I have lost it entirely."
"Oh, it ins't lost," was the patient reply. "I've got it now."



Quote for the day:
None of the anthropoid apes can emit musical sounds. But on the other hand, none of them try to.

24May09

"Do you remember that couple we met on the steamer we took such a violent fancy to---I mean the couple we invited to visit us?"
"Yeah, You don't mean to say---"
"Yes, the idiots are actually coming!"



Quote for the day:
About the only thing left in this world that can be shocked is grain.

23May09

"So you and your neighbor are not on speaking terms?"
"No, My neighbor sent me a can of oil to use on my lawn mower when I started to cut the grass at six in the morning."
"And what did you do?"
"I sent it back and told him to use it on his wife when she started singing at eleven at night."



Quote for the day:
What makes the happy ending of some movies is the mere fact that they have ended.

22May09

Jones---"Good evening, old man. Thought I'd drop in and see you about the umbrella you borrowed from me last week."
Brown---"I'm sorry old man, but I lent it to a friend of mine. Were you wanting it?"
Jones---"Well, not for myself, but the fellow I borrowed it from says the owner wants it."



Quote for the day:
A hollywood wedding, is as a rule, a retake.

21May09

A local citizen was walking down town one morning when a stranger addressed him: "Do you know where the post office is?"
"Yes," answered the citizen, affably, and walked on without further reply. After proceeding for about ten steps he looked back, and inquired in his turn, "Why? Did you want to know?"
"No," replied the stranger, with great earnestness, and then the account having been balanced, the two walked away in opposite directions.



Quote for the day:
Pity the poor movie queen-she never knows where her next husband is coming from.

20May09

The amateur gardener, who loved to experiment with plants, sat locked in his room. He refused to take any food all day, and his wife finally insisted on being let in.
"You must tell me what's on your mind," she said, firmly. "you've been here
brooding all day, and I must know what's wrong."
The gardener sighed heavily.
"It's just that one of my pet experiments didn't turn out the way I expected. Remember the time I crossed a potato with an onion?"
"Yes, yes," coaxed the anxious wife. "What happened?"
The gardener shook his head sadly.
"No good," he murmured, sinking his head on to his eyes. "All I got was a potato with watery eyes!"



Quote for the day:
There's only one person who can speak louder than a senator and thats another senator.

19May09

Smith---"I keep hearing the word 'Idiot.' I hope you are not referring to me."
Jones---"Don't be so conceited. As if there are no other idiots in the world!"



Quote for the day:
Strange that men call money 'dough.' Dough sticks to your fingers.

18May09

"I hear that they belong to the early settlers."
"Well, you wouldn't think so if you could see the bill collectors climbing the front steps."



Quote for the day:
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

17May09

Excitable Party (at telephone)---"Hello? Who is this? Who is this I say?"
Man at Other End---"Haven't got time to guess riddles.l Tell me yourself who you are."



The only thing at mother's knees these days is her skirt.

16May09

At Brooklyn Bridge---"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?"
"No, I have to."



The mother-in-law should be careful not to go too far, unless she stays there.

15May09

Smith (after telling a whopper)---"I assure you, Jones, if I hadn't seen it myself I wouldn't have believed it."
Jones---"Ha--h'm--well, you know, I didn't see it."



A Scotchman recently sued a baseball company because he was hurt while watching a ball game. He fell out of a tree.

14May09

"There's nothing like cheerfulness. I admire anyone who sings at his work."
"How you must love a mosquito!"



Man is but a worm, He comes along, wiggles a bit, then some chicken gets him.

13May09

"Porter can read three languages."
"What are they?"
"Magazines, sporting pages and railroad time-tables."



The Scotch are a very inventive race. They have found a new use for worn out razor blades-They shave with them.

12May09

Two deacons once disputing about a proposed new graveyard, one remarked:
"I'll never be buried in that ground as long as I live!"
"What an obstinate man!" said the other. "If my life is spared, I will!"



Alas! Rich relatives are usually distant relatives or close relatives.

11May09

Brown---"Back to town again? I thought you were a farmer."
Green---"You made the same mistake I did."



Nowadays, whatever is not worth saying is sung.

10May09

Officer (to man pacing sidewalk at three a. m.)---"What are you doing here?"
Gentleman---"I forgot my key, officer, and I'm waiting fo my children to come home and let me in."



You can't fool all the people all the time, but the average politician is contented with a sizeable majority.

09May09

"That speaker certainly made a hit."
"What did he talk about?"
"About five minutes."



A poet must use his imagination. He must imagine people are going to read his poems.

08May09

He---"I saved a lot of money today"
She---"That's fine. How did you do it?"
He---"Insteat of suing a man for what he owed me, I let him have it."



Parents spend half their time worrying how a child will turn out and the rest of the time wondering when a child will turn in.

07May09

Smith (reading statistics)---"Do you know that every time I breeathe, a man dies?"
Jones---"Why don't you sterilize your mouth?"



Many a man lives by the sweat of his frau!

06May09

"Don't you agree that Time is the greatest healer?"
"He may be---but he's certainly no beauty specialist."



Evey woman has a secret desire to write-checks.

05May09

"When are you going on your vacation?"
"I don't know. I've got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suit case."



Women are like money, keep 'em busy or they lose interest.

04May09

Two young men wered in earnest conversation on matters fegarding the fair sex.
"How could you be so deceitful as to tell Miss Woodly she was pretty?" asked Clarence.
"I wasn't deceitful at all," replied Charles.
"But my dear man," said Clarence, "you don't mean to say you think she is actually pretty?"
"Of course not," replied his companion. "What I told her was that she was as pretty as she could be."



A farmer is a man who makes his money on the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes him money in town and spends it on the farm.

03May09

Host (doing the honors)---"And that is a portrait of my great-great-grandfather."
Visitor---"Wonderful! Why, he doesn't look any older than you!"



Why preach against modern dress when there's not enough left ot talk about.

02May09

A wag asked his friend, "How many knaves do you suppose live in this street besides yourself?"
"Besides myself!" replied the other. "Do you mean to insult me?"
"Well, then," said the first, "how many do you reckon including yourself?"



An emminent scientist announces that man does his best work at fifty, and we'll bet hi's the same one that announced about ten years ago that he does it at forty.

01May09


"Who was that pretty little thing I saw you with last night?"
"Will you promise not to tell my wife?"
"Surely, I promise."
"Well, it was my wife."



When Daniel got into the lions' den and looked around he thought to himself,
"Whoever got to do the after-dinner speaking, it won't be me."

30Apr09

Here are some of the questions and answers overheard ath the Bureau of Naturalization:
"Where is Washington?"
"He's dead."
"I mean the Capital of the United States."
"Oh, they loaned it all to Europe."
"Do you promise to support the Constitution?"
"Me? How can I? I've a wife and six children to support."



If all the serial stories were placed end to end in this world they would have to be continued in the next.

29Apr09

A party of young men were camping, and to avert annoying questions they made it a rule that the one who asked a question that he conld not answer himself had to do the cooking.
One evening, while sitting around the fire, one of the boys asked: "Why is it that a ground squirrel never leaves any dirt at the mouth of its burrow?"
They all guessed and missed. So he was asked to answer it himself.
"Why," he said, "because it always begins to dig at the other end of the hole."
"But," one asked, "how does it get to the other end of the hole?"
"Well," was the reply, "that's your question."



Among the makers of one-piece bathing suits, the thighs the limit.

28Apr09

Here is a question that stumps all applicants for jobs in the New York Fire Department:
"What piece of fire apparatus won't go up a one-way street?"
No applicant has ever answered it correctly.
The answer is: "A fireboat."



When better books are suppressed more people will read them

27Apr09

"Of course you entertained during the social season?"
"Well," answered Mr. Newrich, "mother and the girls didn't think much of me as an entertainer, but I overheard several visitors say I was one of the most amusin' people that ever broke in."



All men are patriotic when they're called to serve on a jury in a bathing beauty contest.

26Apr09

"Yes," sid the cheerful one, telling of a harrowing experience, "we had sreached the place where we had eaten the last dog."
"It must have been terrible!" exclaimed the fair listener.
"It was," he said; "they didn't even have mustard to put on it, and it was at least twenty miles to the next stand."



One thing the discovery of the North Pole proved is that there's no one sitting on top of the world.

25Apr09

A southerner, with the intense love for his own section of the country, attended a banquet. The next day a friend asked him who was present. With a reminiscent smile he replied: "An elegant gentleman from Virginia a gentleman from Kentucky, a man from Ohio, a bounder from Chicago, a fellow from New York, and a galoot from Maine."



Members of the younger generation are alike in many disrespects.

24Apr09

"I don't know how to fill out this question."
"What is it?"
"It says, 'Who was your mother before she was married?' and I didn't have any mother before she was married."



The director can't fire any of his chorus because he hasn't anything on any of them.

23Apr09

First Mosquito---"Why are you making such a fuss?"
Second Ditto---"Whoopee! I passed the screen test."



A complicated traffic tangle was caused recently by a lady motorist who signaled that she was about to turn to the right, and did so.

22Apr09

"Thankful! What have I to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills."
"Then, man alive, be thankful you aren't one of the creditors."



The average man's life is now, divided between worry over two tubes, radio and inner.

21Apr09

A man called at a village post-office for a registered letter which he knew would be awaiting him. The letter was there, but the clerk demurred at handing it over, as he had no means of identifying the caller. The caller took a photograph of himself from his pocket, remarking: "I think that ought to satisfy you as to who I am."
The clerk looked long and earnestly at the portrait, and then said: "Yes, that's you right enough. Here's your letter."



At a bankers' dinner the other evening a banker read a bad poem that he wrote, and nothing was done about it. But just let a poet write a bad check!