19Feb09

Neighbor---"Did I bring your lawn mower back last month?"
Indignant Householder---"No, you did not."
Neighbor---"Now what'll I do? I wanted to borrow it again."



One small jack can lift a car, but it takes a lot of jack to keep it up.

18Feb09

Caleb---"Why don't you get a job and go to work? You know that worry kills more people than work does."
Loafer---"Yes, I've heard all that but the trouble with me is that nothing worries me so much as work. I'd rather loaf and let other people do the worrying."



Nowadays, a couple marries and the first thing you know they have a little divorce.

17Feb09

"My laundry sends back my shirts with different buttons sewed on them."
"You don't know when you are well off. My laundry sends back my buttons with different shirts sewed on them."



Two million years from now the scientists can start a row by claiming that the creatures of that period descended from Mars.

16Feb09

"What do you take for your insomnia?"
"A glass of wine at regular intervals."
"Does that make you sleep?"
"No, but it makes me satisfied to stay awake."



The average straphanger's complaint is one of long standing.

15Feb09

Floridan (picking up a melon)---"Is this the largest apple you can grow in your State?"
Californian---"Stop fingering that grape."



A rolling football gathers no score

14feb09

VALENTINE'S DAY

LOVE DOESN'T MAKE THE WORLD GO 'ROUND. LOVE IS WHAT MAKES THE RIDE WORTHWHILE.
----FRANKLIN P. JONES

"What a lot of friends we lose through their borrowing money from us."
"Yes, it is touch and go with most of them.



The poets' scientific son might say. "She was a television of delight----"

13Feb09

Jones---"Sorry, old man, that my hen got loose and scratched up your garden."
Smith---"That's all right, my dog ate your hen."
Jones---"Fine! I just ran over your dog and killed him."



Grandmother says that one reason why girls are naughty is because they get the shingle in the wrong place.

12Feb09

Jones---"How do you spend your income?"
Smith---"About 30 percent for shelter, 30 percent for clothing, 40 percent for food and 20 percent for amusement."
Jones---"But that adds up to 120 percent."
Smith---"That's right."



Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side, declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet lawyers as a class enjoy good health.

11Feb09

"How many cigars do you smoke a day?"
"About ten."
"What do they cost you?"
"Twenty cents apiece."
"My, that's two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money."
"Yes, it is."
"Do you see that office building on the corner?"
"Yes."
"If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building."
"Do you smoke?"
"No, never did."
"Do you own that building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."



Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting his bill.

10Feb09

"What is the weather like?"
"It's so cloudy I can't see."



The glass that cheers--ilady's mirror

09Feb09

He---"Don't you hate people who talk behind your back?"
She---"Yes, especially at the movies."



There are a million or more reasons why modern women dress as they do, and every one is a man.

08Feb09

Man (at telephone)---"Zander! Zander! Z!Z! No, not C! ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPORSTUVWEYZ!!



A medical paper advances the theory that "man is slightly taller in the morning than he is in the evening." We have never tested this, but we have certainly noticed a tendency to become "short" towards the end of the month.

07Feb9

"All that I am I owe to my mother."
"Why don't you send her 30 cents and square the account."



If all the people in the United States stayed home on Sunday we'd go automobile riding.

06Feb09

Old Lady (at the zoo)---"Is that a man-eating lion?"
Fed-up Keeper---"Yes, lady, but we're short of men this week, so all he gets is beef."



Modern version: Marry in haste, repeat at pleasure

05Feb09

Hampton---"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one. They were one of the first to come across."
Rhodes---"The grocer told me yesterday that they are the last to come across."



A pathetic figure---the fellow who went to Scotland to get a liberal education.

04Feb09

"So Joe was the life of the party?"
"Yeah, He was the only one who could talk louder than the radio."



There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business. One is that they haven't any mind, the other that they haven't any business.

03Feb09

"No, Nora," Granpa Burns nodded sadly, "girls are not the same nowadays, unfortunately." His granddaughter smiled. She had heard this so many times. "No," went on the old man "you never see a girl blush nowadays. Wen I was a young man it was different."
"Oh, grandad!" exclaimed the girl, "What ever did you say to them?"



Immigrants often weep when they first see the Statue of Liberty: native Americans sometimes go into hysterics.

02Feb09

At an examination of a class in first aid, a member asked:
"What would you do if ou found a man in a fainting condition?"
"I'd give him some brandy," was the answer.
"And if there was no brandy?"
"I'd promise him some."



Physician says one million women are overweight. These, of course are round figures.

01Feb09

"I've got a pretty distasteful job before me," remarked the genealogist. "Mrs. Newrich employed me to look up her family-tree, and I've got to inform her that one of her relatives was electrocuted."
"Why worry about that?" said his friend. "Just write that the man in question occupied the chair of applied electricity at one of our public institutions."



There are two kinds of fishermen; those who fish for sport and those who catch something.

31Jan09

Nephew---"Thanks very much for the present."
Aunt---"Oh, that's nothing to thank me for!"
Nephew---"That's what I thought, but mother told me to thank you just the same."



The beauty about rearing a large family is that at least one of them may not turn out like the others.

30Jan09

Tourist---(in Yellowstone Park)---"Those Indians have a blood-curdling yell."
Guide---"Yes, ma'am; every one of 'em is a college graduate!"



The difference between learning to drive a motor and learning to play golf is that when you learn to play golf you don't hit anything.

29Jan09

Old Lady---(to parachutist)--"I really don't know how you can hang from that silk thing. The suspense must be terrible."
Parachutist---"No, mum; it's when the suspense ain't there that it's terrible."



Opportunity knocks once, and the neighbors the rest of the time.

28Jan09

A farmer on his first visit to New York came out of the Grand Central Station into the confusion of Forty-second Street, and after standing somewhat bewildered for a few minutes walked over to a traffic officer and said, "Mister, I want to go to Central Park."
"All right," said the officer. "You can go this time, but don't you ever, ever ask me again."



Where singleness is bliss. 'tis folly to be married

27Jan09

Jones---"Well, jhow are you getting on in your new eight-room house?"
Smith---"Oh, not so badly. We furnished one of the bedrooms by collecting soap coupons."
Jones---Didn't you furnish the other seven rooms?"
Smith---"We can't. They're full of soap."



Only Americans have mastered the art of being prosperous though broke.

26Jan09

A Boston spinster was shocked at the language used by workmen repairing telephone wires near her home, so she wrote to the Telephone Company. The manager immediately asked the foreman on the job to make a report and here's what the foreman said:
"Me and Spike Williams were on this job. I was up the pole and accidentally let the hot lead fall on Spike-and it went down his neck. Then Spike looked up at me and said: "Really, Harry, you must be more careful.'"



A conservative politician is one in office.

25Jan09

"That means fight where I come from!"
"Wll, why don't you fight then?"
"'Cause I ain't where I come from."




Many a checkered career ends in a striped suit.

24Jan09

"Did you take your usual two weeks' camping trip this year?"
"No; we just left our house doors open, removed the window screens, and got the same effect."



The person who can sithstand the high-pressure salesman illustrates the ower of mind over patter.

23Jan09

Hostess---"This is Captain Banks, who has just returned from a trip to the Artic regions."
Pretty Guest---"Oh, do come nearer the fire You must be cold."



Alas! Screening a picture doesn't take the trash out.

22Jan09

Two rabid Californians, during a heavy rain-storm in Los Angeles, watched the downpour with embarrassed expressions. Finally, after a deep silence, one said to the other:
"Boy, some terrible weather certainly blows in from Nevada, doesn't it?"



Spain has her matatdors. The United States has her senators.

21Jan09

Mrs. Petty---"I'm going to enter Fido in the dog show next month."
Friend---"Do you think he will win many prizes?"
"No, but he'll meet some veryh nice dogs."



Give a convict enough rope and he'll skip.

20Jan09

A tourist was enjoying the wonders of California as pointed out by a native.
"What beautiful grapefruit," he said, as they passed through a grove of citrus-trees.
"Oh, those lemons are a bit small owing to a comparatively bad season," explained the Californian.
"What are those enormous blossoms?" questioned the tourist a little bit farther on.
"Just a patch of dandelions," answered the guide.
Presently they reached the Sacramento River.
"Ah," said the tourist, "some one's radiator is leaking."



To speed is but human; to get caught, a fine.

19Jan09

Jane---"Jack was at the masquerade last night, but I couldn't tell him from Adam."
John---"My heavens! Did they dress like that?"



The woman who concealed her instep now has a daughter who throws her step-ins

18Jan09

"He drove straight to his goal," said the orator. "He looked neither to the right nor to the left, but pressed forward, moved by a definite-purpose. Neither friend nor foe could delay him nor turn him from his course. All who crossed his path did so at their own peril. What would you call such a man?"
"A truck driver," shouted some one from the audience



A real executive is a man who can hand back a letter for a third re-typing to a
red-headed stenographer

17Jan09

New Iceman--"Say, what do you think? The guy in that house threw me out because I tried to kiss the cook this morning."
Milkman--"I think the lady of that house does her own cooking."



All is fair in love and golf

16Jan09

A New Yorker who is a combination of Albert Einstein, the great mathematician, and Rube Goldberg, creator of nutty cartoons, worried a good deal over making out his income-tax return, until he finally hit upon a simple formula, which he now offers free of charge to any who may be perplexed in the future.
He listed as dependents one blonde wife, a sedan car, three goldfish and two children. He then multiplied his grandfather's age by six and seven-eighths, subtracting his telephone number. Next he added the size of his hat and subtracted the number of his car. After these preliminaries, the rest was easy.
Deducting $1,000 for keeping his wife a blonde for the whole year, he divided the remainder by the number of lodges he belonged to, multiplied by the number of electric lights in the house, divided by the size of his collar.
This gave his gross income, which, after dividing by his chest measurement, and subtracting his blood-pressure, gave the net amount owed to the Government.



The real college cheer is the check from home.

15Jan09

A well-known speaker lectured to she members of a literary society, and at the end of his address the secretary approached him with a check. This he politely refused, saying that it might be devoted to some charitable purpose.
"Would you mind," asked the secretary, "if we add it to our special fund?"
"Not at all." said the speaker. "What is the special fund for?"
"To enable us to get better lecturers next year."



If matches were made in heaven, where did the cigar-lighters come from?

14Jan09

A wager was laid that it was a Yankee peculiarity to answer one question by another. To sustain the assertion a down-Easter was interrogated, "I want you," said the bettor, "to give me a straight-forward answer to a plain question."
"I kin do it, mister," said the Yankee.
"Then why is it that New Englanders always answer a question by asking one?"
"Du they?" was the Yankee reply.



Christmas comes, but once a years' enough.

13Jan09

"Do you know any reliable rule for estimating the cost of living?"
"Yes, Take your income--whatever that may be--and add 25 percent."



All is well that ends

12Jan09

"I'm just a young fellow that is struggling to make ends meet."
"Well, if you're so badly bent financially it ought to be easy for you."



A good husband is one who feels in his pocket every time he passes a mailbox

11Jan09

"My ancestors came over in the Mayflower."
"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricter now."



When two egoists meet, it is a case of an I for an I.

10Jan09

"You don't seem to realize on which side your bread is buttered."
"What does it matter? I eat both sides!"



When two women suddenly become friendly, it is a sign that some third woman has lost two friends.

09Jan09

"Jack hasn't come home. Am worried. Is he spending the night with you?" wired Smith's wife to five of his lodge brothers.
Soon after the husband arrived home, and before long a messenger boy came in with five replies to the wires his wife had sent. They all read:
"Yes, Jack is spending the night with me."



Men are born with two eyes, but with one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say.

08Jan09

A young man fell into a state of coma, but recovered before his friends had buried him. One of them asked what it felt like to be dead.
"Dead," he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead, and I knew I wasn't dead because my feet were cold, and I was hungry."
"But how did that make you sure?"
"Well I knew that if I were in heaven I sholdn't be hungry, and if I were in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold."



A widow and her money are soon married.

07Jan09

"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's relatives."
"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!"



The two chief causes of divorce however, are matrimony and alimony

06Jan09

"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"
"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."



When a woman really loves a man, he can make her do anything she wants to do

05Jan09

Englishman---(patronizingly)--"Your school facilites are excellent, I am told."
American---(suavely)---"Well, I should say. See the Smithsonian Institution over there? Think of a building like that just to educate the Smiths."



The deal the little nations get from the big ones is from the bottom of the pact.

04Jan09

Handwriting Expert---"This specimen indicates patience, indulgence, kindness...."
Client---"That's fine! It's the writing of the tailor I have selected to make my new suit."



Some people have tact, and others tell the truth.

03Jan09

"Was it hot where you spent your vacation last summer?"
"Terrible, and no trees! We took turns sitting in each other's shadow!"



There are few persons with corage enough to admit that they haven't got it

02Jan09

A young wife, wishing to announce the birth of her first child to a friend in a distant city, telegraphed:
"Isaiah 9:6,"
Which passage befins, "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given,"
Her friend, not familiar with the Scriptures, said to her husband:
"Margaret evidently has a boy who weights nine pounds and six ounces, but why on earth did they name him Isaiah?"



Never give the boy all the allowance you can afford. Keep back some to bail him out.

1Jan09

A truck driver was indulging in a burst of profanity which shocked the lady passing by. She regarded him reprovingly, as she demanded:
"My man, where did you learn such awful language?"
"Where did I learn it?" the truck driver repeated. "Huh! I didnt learn it, it's a gift."



People who live in glass houses shouldn't.