31Mar09

"Thirty years ago," said the man who had traveled to the end of the earth and most of the way back, "I started out, alone, unaided, without friends to help me along, with the intention of making the world pay me the living that it owes me. My only allies were a dollar bill and a determination to make a million more. Today "(and he threw out his chest proudly) "I will have the determination and fifty cents in change."



New York restaurant men want to abolish the word "waiter" Right enough, it is usually the diners who do the waiting.

30Mar09

He had b een sitting next to her at the dinner table for the last hour and was deeply admiring her beautiful arms and shoulders.
"Do you know," she said suddenly, "I've been in misery for a week. Sometimes I could almost scream with pain!"
"Why, what's the matter?" he exclaimed sympathetically.
"I was vaccinated last week and it has taken dreadfully."
His eyes fell and his gaze was curious. But he saw no scar. "Why, where were you vaccinated?" he asked impetuously.
She raised her eyebrows and smiled sweetly. "In New York."



A Berlin faster claims to have gone forty-four days without food. It is our opinion that he should have either given his order to another waiter, or tried a different restaurant.

29Mar09

Jones---"The Chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Year's day."
Smith---"So, I understand, but, then, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before."



A man doesn't look for a happy ending to a love affair-merely one whitout hysterics.

28Mar09

"Is a ton of coal very much, papa?"
"That depends, my son, on whether you are shoveling or buying it."



At twenty he thinks he can save the world; at thirty he begins to wish he could save part of his own salary.

27Mar09

"Yes," said the boastful young man, "my family can trace its ancestry back to William the Conqueror."
"I suppose," remarked his friend, "you'll be telling us that your ancestors were in the Ark with Noah?"
"Certainly not," said the other. "My people had a boat of their own."



When a man's wife doesn't come home he begins to wonder what has happened to her. When a woman's husband doesn't come home, she begins to wonder who the hussy is.

26Mar09

A census clerk, in scanning over the form to see if it had been properly filled up, noticed the figures 120 and 112 under the headings, "Age of Father, if living," and "Age of Mother if living."
"But your parents were never so old, were they?" asked the astonished clerk.
"No," was the reply, "but they would have been, if living."



Married couples have fewer arguments in winter than in summer. This is because a lot of husbands wear earmuffs in the winter.

25Mar09

Jones was always trying to borrow money, and his friends had begun to avoid him.
One morning he tackled an acquaintance in the street before the latter had a chance to escape.
"I say, old man," began Jones, "I'm in a terrivle fix. I want some money badly, and I havent't the slightest idea where on earth I'm going to get it from."
"Glad to hear it, my boy," returned the other promptly. "I was afraid that you might have an idea you could borrow it from me."



The latest wedding-ring is very thin and narrow. The old-fashioned, cumbersome affair of coursew, was made to last a life-time.

24Mar09

Attendant---"Do you wish to consult Woosung Portung, the great Chinese mystic?"
Woman---"Yes, tell him his mother is here from the Bronx."



The bigger the summer vacation the harder the fall.

23Mar09

A miserly man was approached by a friend who did his best to persuade him to dress more in accordance whi his station in life. "I'm surprised," said the friend, "that you should allow yourself to become shabby."
"But I'm not shabby," said the miser.
"Oh, but you are," said his friend. "Remember your father. His clothes were always neatly dressed. His clothes were always well tailored and of the best material."
"Why!" shouted the other, triumphantly, "these clothes I'm wearing were father's!"



Who ever expected to see the day when a man would scold his wife for dropping ashes on his office floor?

22Mar09

Government Examiner---"How did you come to mark this man's paper 101 per cent? Don't you know that nothing can be more perfect than 100 per cent?"
New Assistant---"Yes, but this man answered one question we didn't ask."



There is a Scotch doctor who had a patient who ran up a temperature of 108. The doctor put him in the cellar to heat the building.

21Mar09

A man bet ten dollars that he could ride the fly-wheel in a sawmill, and as his widow paid the bet she remarked, "William was a kind husband, but he didn't know much about fly-wheels."



It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is attention without intention.

20Mar09

Col. Southblood---"Yes, suh, he got mad an' called me a derned old bareface scoundrel."
Col. Bluegrass---"Well, he's slightly mistaken, suh. You've got a goatee an' mustache."



What this country nees is fewer people telling us what this country needs.

19Mar09

"My grandfather lived to be nearly ninety and never used glasses."
"Well, lots of people prefer to drink from a bottle."



The modern dance has developed in leaps and bounds.

18Mar09

Here are a few Famous Last Words:

"Gimme a match,I think my gas tank is empty."
"Gosh, wife, these biscuits are tough."
"Let's see if it's loaded."
"You can make it easy, that train isn't coming fast."
"What, your mother going to stay another month?"
"Lemme have that bottle, I'll try it."
"Sure I was out with your wife, what about it?"
"Say, who's boss of this joint, anyhow?"
"I you knew anything you wouldn't be a traffic cop."
"Y-e-s, dear, I l-o-s-t m-y p-a-y g-a-m-b-l-i-n-g."
"Just watch me dive from that bridge."
"Step on her boy, we're only going seventy-five."


A movie actress has just remarried her first husband. It must have been his turn again.

17Mar09

ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Said the chairman of a certain society at its annual meeting: "In most kindred associations half the committee does all the work, whilst the other half does nothing. I am pleased to place on record that in the society over which I have the honor to preside it just the reverse."



The apparel oft proclaims the woman

16Mar09

A New York business man visiting Salt Lake City strolled about the city and made the acquaintance of a little Mormon girl.
"I'm from New York," he said to her. "I suppose you do not know where New York is?"
"Oh, yes, I do," answered the little girl eagerly. "Our Sunday-school has a missionary there."



A pessimist is a fellow who lives with an optimist

Charley Reese has been a journalist for 49 years

545 PEOPLE
By Charlie ReeseCharlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.
I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes..

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi. She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million can not replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red ..

If the Army & Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them in IRAQ

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.

There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.

Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees..

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

15Mar09

"Statistics show," declared the bespectacled woman lecturer, "that the modern, common-sense style of woman's dress has reduced accidents on the street-cars by 50 percent."
"Why not do away with the accidents altogether?" piped a masculine voice from the end of the hall.



One reason so many poets are poor is that there are so many poor poets.

14Mar09

Him ---"Hurry dear, we'll be late for the theatre."
Her ---"I'm trying my reducing machine; I'll be ready in a hundred shakes."



Every man has his price, but some hold bargain sales.

13Mar09

"I have just heard that my sister has a baby. They don't say what sex and so I don't know whether I am an uncle or aunt."



A visiting English actor calls our critics the pan-Americans.

12Mar09

"I just dreamed I had a job."
"You look tired."



There would be more incentive to success if successful men seemed to enjoy life more.

11Mar09

"Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?"
"A bartender, my boy."



Statisticians have figured the time lost in every other business operation. Now they might figure the time wasted in figuring statistics.

10Mar09

A guide, showing an old lady through the Zoo, took her to a cage occupied by a kangaroo.
"Here, madam," he said, "we have a native of Australia."
"Good gracious," she replied, "and to think my sister married one of them."



Executive ability is the art of convincing yhour wife that you hired your pretty stenographer on account of her experience.

09Mar09

Shoemaker---"Here are the boots for your new polar expedition. Were you satisfied with the boots I made for the last trip?"
Explorer---"Quite. They were the best boots I ever ate on a polar expedition."



A tax cut is the kindest cut of all.

08Mar09

Said a jaded guest at a formal function to the man next to him:
"Gee, this thing is a bore; I'm going to beat it!"
"I would, too." said the other, "but I've got to stay. I'm the host!"



The stage is reported to be in a critical condition. Foul play is suspected

07Mar09

A man took down his telephone receiver and while he was waiting for a chance to call the operator, heard this conversation on a party line:
"Hello."
"Hello."
"That you , Jake?"
"Yep, this is Jake."
"It don't sound like Jake."
"Well this is Jake speaking all right."
"Are you sure this is Jake?"
"Sure, this is Jake!"
"Well, listen, Jake. This is Henry. Lend me fifty dollars."
"All right, I'll tell him when he comes in."



Slogan for revue producers: This is the dawn of a nude day

06Mar09

The man of the house finally took all the disabled umrellas to the repairer's. Two days later, on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the man with shame and confusion.
The same day, he stopped at the repairer's and received all eight of his umbrellas duly repaired. As he entered a street car, with the unwrapped unbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn:
"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"



It is sad to see people squandering money and know you cannot help them.

05Mar09

An inexperienced speaker arose in confusion after dinner and murmured stumblingly:
"M-m-my f-f-friends, when I came here tonight only God myself knew what I was about to say to you-and now only God knows!"



How much happier we should be summer evenings if Noah had stepped on the male tumble bug before he left the ark.

04Mar09

An Alabama man was talking with a man from Maine:
"As near's I can see," said the Alabaman, "there ain't much difference atweens we-uns and you-uns, 'cept that we-uns reckon an' you-uns guess."
"That's 'bout all, neighbor," replied the Maine man. "'cept that we can guess a plaguy sight better than you can reckon!"



Blessed are they that are ignorant; for they are happy in thinking that they know everything.

03Mar09

"Yes, my dear, I have lost Azor, my precious little dog!"
"But you mustput an advertisement in the papers!"
"The poor little pet can't read!"



When you go to drown yourself, always pull off your clothes; they may fit your wife's second husband.

02Mar09

Here are some things about elevators I'd like to have cleared up:
Why starters always send a car up just as I am about to step in.
Why you have to face the front of the car instead of forming congenial groups in the rear.
Why my voice always breaks when I give my floor number.
Whether big buildings hire operators to fit uniforms, or buy uniforms to fit operators.
Why the big woman in the back always gets out on the mezzanine floor.
Whether you should leave the elevator quickly after your cigarette has burnied the the large man's gaberdine suit.
Whether I could run one of the things.



If you let a cat out of the bag never try to cram it back in again; it only makes matters worse.

01Mar09

Adam and Eve were naming the animals of the earth when along came a rhinoceros.
Adam---"What shall we call this one?"
Eve---"Let's call it a rhinoceros."
Adam---"Why?"
Eve---"Well, because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we've named yet."



Many a man who in his time has cast sheep's eyes at a pretty girl, has afterwards had the wool pulled over them.