31Aug08

She---(looking through family album)---"Doesn't dad look funny in those suspenders?"

He---(a practical soul)---"Yes, but he'd look a darned sight funnier without them.****

A writer is rarely so well inspired as when he talks about himself-Anatole France

30Aug08

"You can't imagine what things are like out in the arctic regions," the explorer was telling a group of friends.

"Oh, I don't know," said one. "Even if we haven't seen it we can imagine what it feels like."

"I doubt it. It's impossible until you've really seen it; until you've stood there, a small, insignificant atom, surrounded by vast stretches of white--"

"Yes, I know. I've been like that."

"Really? Where was that, may I ask?"

"First time I appeared at a formal dinner in a stiff dress shirt."****

Only the men who do not care about women are interested in women's dresses. And the men who like them never notice what they wear---Anatole France

29Aug08

"What's the idea of the Greens having French lessons?"

"They have adopted a French baby, and want to understand what she says when she begins to talk."****

How many men would be mute if they were forbidden to speak well of themselves and evil of others?----Mme De Fountaine

28Aug08

The story is told of the Kentucky colonel who had an argument with the devil. The devil said that no one had a perfect memory. But the colonel maintained that there was an Indian on his plantation who never forgot anything. The colonel agreed to forfeit his soul to the devil if the Indian ever forgot anything.

The devil went up to the Indian and said: "Do you like eggs?" The Indian replied, "yes." The devil went away.

Twenty years later the colonel died. The devil thought, "Aha, here's my chance." He came back to earth and presented himself before the Indian. Raising his hand, he gave the tribal salutation, "How."

Quick as a wink the Indian replied, "Fried."*****

Every hero becomes a bore at last.--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Johnson is so conceited."

"Yes, on his last birthday he sent a telegram of congratulation to his mother!"*****

We blame in others only the faults by which we do not profit--Alexander Dumas

26Aug08

"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see: legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Emlpire State Building?" asked the life of the party.

Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution.

"The answer," he said, "is a wooden hourse. It has eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk."

"Yes," the company agreed. "But how does it jump as high as the Empire State Building?"

"The Empire State Building," the humorist explained, "can't jump."****

I respect the institution of marriage-I have always thought that every woman should marry, and no man--Disraeli

"Do you live within your income?"

"Good heavens, no! It's all I can do to live within my credit."****

The best doctor is the one you run for and can't find.--Diderot

A family living in an apartment house in the suburbs of a large city had a cat to which they were very much attached. One day the catt got sick and finally died. As there was no rear yard to their home in which to bury the cat, father was forced to wrap the cat up in a newspaper and take it with him, being carefully reminded by mother to toss the bundle from the train window when en route to his work.

Father placed his bundle upon the baggage rack over his seat, but struck up a conversation with a fellow commuter and forgot to toss the bundle out the window. He took the package on to his office thinking that he would dispose of it on his way home that evening. But again he got to talking to someone on the train on the train, forgot about the cat, and still had the bundle under his arm when he arrived home. His wife scolded him about it and father promised to take care of the matter the next day. But once more his memory failed him. W hen for the third time he arrived home still carrying the bundle, poor mother became quite angry.

"You've got to dispose of that cat right now." said she. "Put it in the furnace right now as the fireman is seldom there at this hour."

Well, father decided perhaps he'd better take it to the basement and put it in the furnace , but as he lifted the bundle from a table it fell open, and lo and behold there was--a boiled ham!****

Love is an ocean of emotions, entirely surrounded by expenses--Lord Dewar

Jill, accompanied by her dog, is out walking.

She meets Jack, who invites her to the matinee.

Jill is willing--but what to do with the dog?

Jack suggests taking it to the police station.

Jill does so, pretending she has found it.

Matinee enjoyed.

Jack now calls at police station and claims "lost" dog.

Is told he must leave $20 reward for the finder, does so.

Jill then drops in and as "finder" receives the $20. All square.

Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough gold--Chesterfield.

"Did you set a steel trap on you front porch?"

"Yeh, the wolf had better not come to my door."

"Well, you've caught a bill collector."

When an actor has money, he doesn't send letters but telegrams---Anton Chekov

Aunt--"Can you explain radio to me, Arthur?"

Arthur--"Well, if you had a very long dog, reaching from New York to Chicago, and you trod on its tail in New York, it would bark in Chicago. That's telegraphy; and radio is precisely the same only without the dog."

Love in France is a comedy; in England a tragedy; in Italy an opera seria; and in Germany a melodrama.---Marguerite Blessington

Henry Brown arrived late at the country club dance, and discovered that in slipping on the icy pavement outside, he had torn one knee of his trousers.

"Come into the ladies' dressing room, Henry," said his wife. "There's no one there and I'll pin it up for you.

Examination showed that the rip was too large to be pinned. A maid furnished needle and thread and was stationed at the door to keep out intruders, while Mr. Brown removed his trousers. His wife went busily to work.

Presently at the door sounded excited voices.

"We must come in, maid," a woman was saying. "Mrs. Jones is ill. Quick, let us in."

"Here," said the resourceful Mrs. Brown to her terrified husband, "get into this closet for a minute."

She opened the dooor and pushed her husband through it just in time. But instantly, from the opposite side of the door, came loud thumps and the agonized voice of Mr. Brown demanding that his wife open it at once.

"But the women are here," Mrs. Brown objected.

"Oh, damn the women!" yelled Mr. Brown. "I'm out in the ballroom."

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow ye diet.

------William Gilmore Beymer

His wife asked him to copy a radio recipe. He did his best, but got two stations at once. And this is what he wrote down.

"Hands on hips, place one cup of flour on your shoulder, raise knees and depress toes; mix thoroughly in one-half cup of milk, repeat six times. Inhale quickly one half teaspoon of baking powder lower the legs and mash two hard boiled eggs in a sieve; exhale breath naturally and sift in a bowl. Attention! Lie flat on the floor and roll in the whites of two eggs backward and forward until it comes to a boil. In ten minutes remove from fire and rub smartly with a rough towel. Breathe naturally, dress in warm flannels and serve with tomato soup."

The man who enters his wife's dressing room is either a philosopher or a fool

-----Balzac

"When I see you I always think of Smith."

"But I am not in the least like Smith."

"Oh, yes. You both owe me $100."

A husband should always know what is the matter with his wife, for she always knows what is not.

---Balzac

Bore----"Talking about Africa makes me think of the time-----"

Bored One-----"Good gracious, you're quite right. I had no idea it was so late. Goodby."

Believe everything you hear said of the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.

--Balzac

Mrs. Green had recently acquired a dog and was proudly demonstrating his good points to a friend.

"I know he's not what you would call a pedigree dog," she said, "but no tramp or beggar can come near the house withou his letting us know about it."

"What does he do?" asked her friend, "Bark the house down?"

"No; he crawls under the sofa."

Wives are young men's mistresses, companions for middle age, and old men's nurses.

--Francis Bacon

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to food. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you.

"First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds.

"Second, your beauty would be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick.

"And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives on the next floor."

Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them.

---Sophie Arnould

14Aug08


A New Yorker was traveling west in a Pullman when a group of chamber of commerce boosters from Kansas City, Mo., boarded the train and began to praise their city to the New Yorker, telling him of its beautiful boulevards, larger industrial establishments, and its wonderful possibilities. Finally the New Yorker became tired and said the only thing that would improve their city would be to make a seaport.
The enthusiastic Kansas Citians laughed at him and asked how they could make it a seaport, being so far from the ocean.
The New Yorker replied that it would be a very easy task.
"The only thing that you will have to do," he said, "is to lay a two-inch pipe from your city to the Gulf of Mexico. Then if you fellows can suck as hard as you can blow you will have it a seaport inside half an hour."

It was Mark Twain who wrote that while everyone talks about the weather, no one ever does anything about it

Way back in 2006 I enjoyed doing this blog immensly. I don't think anybody ever read it but that's ok. So I am going to start again and see how it goes.

The only opportunity a fish has to take a shower is to jump up when it rains.