28Feb09

"Are you going to the flower show?"
"No, it't too much trouble. I think I'll stay home and get it over the radio."



Nothing irks a genuine college boy any more than shaking out the envelope from home and finding nothing in it but news and love.

27Feb09

"Hello!" exclaimed Jenkins, as he met his friend Jones. "You're looking a bit off color. Anything wrong?"
"I'm afraid there is," replied Jones. "I've had to give up drinking, smoking, and gambling."
"Well, I must say that's all to your credit," commended Jenkins.
"Oh, no, it isn't!" snapped Jones, "It's due to my lack of credit."



For most of us, life is what we make it, but for the pedestrian, it's if he makes it.

25Feb09

A Westerner was visiting New York. Walking on a side street late one evening, he was held up by a bandit.
"Give me your money, or I'll blow out your brains!"
"Blow away," said the man from the West. "You can live in New Your without brains, but not without money."



The difference between an amateur and a professional athelete is that the letter is paid by check.

25Feb09

"Hello, Frank, I thought you were dead?"
"Oh," said Frank, "they did get a story around that I was dead, but it was another man. I knew it wasn't me as soon as I heard of it."



Then there's the absent-minded businessman who thook his wife to dinner instead of his steongrapher.

24Feb09

"You say he's 94, never looked at a girl in his life, and doesn't smoke, drink, or gamble?"
"Aye--beats me why he wanted to live so long.



A professor once spent some time figuring out why professors are absent-minded. He forgot the answer

23Feb09

Two men, who were visiting a Museum, were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, ever which hung a placard bearing the inscription: "B.C. 1187."
Both visitors were much mystified thereby.
"What do you make of that, Jim?"
"Well," said Jim, "I dunno; but maybe it was the number of the motor-car that killed him."



"The play ended, happily." recently wrote a local critic. What a difference a comma can make!

22Feb09

A Boston citizen, whose supply of water had been turned off because he wouldn't pay his bills, wrote to the Water Department as follows:
"In the matter of shutting off the water on unpaid bills, your company is fast becoming a regular crystallized Russian bureaucracy, running in a groove and deaf to the appeals of reform. There is no use of your trying to impugn the verity of this indictment by shaking your official heads in the teeth of your own deeds.
"If you will persist in this kind of thing, a widespread conflagration of the populace will be so imminent that it will require only a spark to let loose the dogs of war in our midst. Will you persist in hurling the cornerstone of our personal liberty to your wolfish hounds of collectors, thirsting for its blood? If you persist, the first thing you know will have the chariot of a justly indignant revolution rolling along in our midst and gnasing its teeth as it rolls.
"If your rascally collectors are permitted to continue coming to our doors with unblushing footsteps, whit cloaks of hypocritical compunction in their mouths, and compel payment from your patrons, this policy will result in cutting the wool off the sheep that lays the golden egg, until you have pumped it dry--and then farewell, a long farewell, to our vaunted prosperity."



Youth must be served-and then carried out.

21Feb09

"Have you seen my dog this morning, Mr. Smith?"
"Seen him! I should think I have. He came in here, stole a leg of pork, bit me in the foot, then tripped a customer into a crate of eggs."
"Did he really? Well, I wonder if you would mind putting this 'Lost' notice in your window?"



Always borrow from a pessimist--he never expects it back anyhow.

20Feb09

"Well, I did my good deed today, made at least a hundred people more cheerful."
"How was that?"
"I chased my hat when the wind blew it down the street."



If all the college boys who slept in class were placed end to end they would be much more comfortable.

19Feb09

Neighbor---"Did I bring your lawn mower back last month?"
Indignant Householder---"No, you did not."
Neighbor---"Now what'll I do? I wanted to borrow it again."



One small jack can lift a car, but it takes a lot of jack to keep it up.

18Feb09

Caleb---"Why don't you get a job and go to work? You know that worry kills more people than work does."
Loafer---"Yes, I've heard all that but the trouble with me is that nothing worries me so much as work. I'd rather loaf and let other people do the worrying."



Nowadays, a couple marries and the first thing you know they have a little divorce.

17Feb09

"My laundry sends back my shirts with different buttons sewed on them."
"You don't know when you are well off. My laundry sends back my buttons with different shirts sewed on them."



Two million years from now the scientists can start a row by claiming that the creatures of that period descended from Mars.

16Feb09

"What do you take for your insomnia?"
"A glass of wine at regular intervals."
"Does that make you sleep?"
"No, but it makes me satisfied to stay awake."



The average straphanger's complaint is one of long standing.

15Feb09

Floridan (picking up a melon)---"Is this the largest apple you can grow in your State?"
Californian---"Stop fingering that grape."



A rolling football gathers no score

14feb09

VALENTINE'S DAY

LOVE DOESN'T MAKE THE WORLD GO 'ROUND. LOVE IS WHAT MAKES THE RIDE WORTHWHILE.
----FRANKLIN P. JONES

"What a lot of friends we lose through their borrowing money from us."
"Yes, it is touch and go with most of them.



The poets' scientific son might say. "She was a television of delight----"

13Feb09

Jones---"Sorry, old man, that my hen got loose and scratched up your garden."
Smith---"That's all right, my dog ate your hen."
Jones---"Fine! I just ran over your dog and killed him."



Grandmother says that one reason why girls are naughty is because they get the shingle in the wrong place.

12Feb09

Jones---"How do you spend your income?"
Smith---"About 30 percent for shelter, 30 percent for clothing, 40 percent for food and 20 percent for amusement."
Jones---"But that adds up to 120 percent."
Smith---"That's right."



Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side, declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet lawyers as a class enjoy good health.

11Feb09

"How many cigars do you smoke a day?"
"About ten."
"What do they cost you?"
"Twenty cents apiece."
"My, that's two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money."
"Yes, it is."
"Do you see that office building on the corner?"
"Yes."
"If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building."
"Do you smoke?"
"No, never did."
"Do you own that building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."



Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting his bill.

10Feb09

"What is the weather like?"
"It's so cloudy I can't see."



The glass that cheers--ilady's mirror

09Feb09

He---"Don't you hate people who talk behind your back?"
She---"Yes, especially at the movies."



There are a million or more reasons why modern women dress as they do, and every one is a man.

08Feb09

Man (at telephone)---"Zander! Zander! Z!Z! No, not C! ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPORSTUVWEYZ!!



A medical paper advances the theory that "man is slightly taller in the morning than he is in the evening." We have never tested this, but we have certainly noticed a tendency to become "short" towards the end of the month.

07Feb9

"All that I am I owe to my mother."
"Why don't you send her 30 cents and square the account."



If all the people in the United States stayed home on Sunday we'd go automobile riding.

06Feb09

Old Lady (at the zoo)---"Is that a man-eating lion?"
Fed-up Keeper---"Yes, lady, but we're short of men this week, so all he gets is beef."



Modern version: Marry in haste, repeat at pleasure

05Feb09

Hampton---"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one. They were one of the first to come across."
Rhodes---"The grocer told me yesterday that they are the last to come across."



A pathetic figure---the fellow who went to Scotland to get a liberal education.

04Feb09

"So Joe was the life of the party?"
"Yeah, He was the only one who could talk louder than the radio."



There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business. One is that they haven't any mind, the other that they haven't any business.

03Feb09

"No, Nora," Granpa Burns nodded sadly, "girls are not the same nowadays, unfortunately." His granddaughter smiled. She had heard this so many times. "No," went on the old man "you never see a girl blush nowadays. Wen I was a young man it was different."
"Oh, grandad!" exclaimed the girl, "What ever did you say to them?"



Immigrants often weep when they first see the Statue of Liberty: native Americans sometimes go into hysterics.

02Feb09

At an examination of a class in first aid, a member asked:
"What would you do if ou found a man in a fainting condition?"
"I'd give him some brandy," was the answer.
"And if there was no brandy?"
"I'd promise him some."



Physician says one million women are overweight. These, of course are round figures.

01Feb09

"I've got a pretty distasteful job before me," remarked the genealogist. "Mrs. Newrich employed me to look up her family-tree, and I've got to inform her that one of her relatives was electrocuted."
"Why worry about that?" said his friend. "Just write that the man in question occupied the chair of applied electricity at one of our public institutions."



There are two kinds of fishermen; those who fish for sport and those who catch something.