31Jan09

Nephew---"Thanks very much for the present."
Aunt---"Oh, that's nothing to thank me for!"
Nephew---"That's what I thought, but mother told me to thank you just the same."



The beauty about rearing a large family is that at least one of them may not turn out like the others.

30Jan09

Tourist---(in Yellowstone Park)---"Those Indians have a blood-curdling yell."
Guide---"Yes, ma'am; every one of 'em is a college graduate!"



The difference between learning to drive a motor and learning to play golf is that when you learn to play golf you don't hit anything.

29Jan09

Old Lady---(to parachutist)--"I really don't know how you can hang from that silk thing. The suspense must be terrible."
Parachutist---"No, mum; it's when the suspense ain't there that it's terrible."



Opportunity knocks once, and the neighbors the rest of the time.

28Jan09

A farmer on his first visit to New York came out of the Grand Central Station into the confusion of Forty-second Street, and after standing somewhat bewildered for a few minutes walked over to a traffic officer and said, "Mister, I want to go to Central Park."
"All right," said the officer. "You can go this time, but don't you ever, ever ask me again."



Where singleness is bliss. 'tis folly to be married

27Jan09

Jones---"Well, jhow are you getting on in your new eight-room house?"
Smith---"Oh, not so badly. We furnished one of the bedrooms by collecting soap coupons."
Jones---Didn't you furnish the other seven rooms?"
Smith---"We can't. They're full of soap."



Only Americans have mastered the art of being prosperous though broke.

26Jan09

A Boston spinster was shocked at the language used by workmen repairing telephone wires near her home, so she wrote to the Telephone Company. The manager immediately asked the foreman on the job to make a report and here's what the foreman said:
"Me and Spike Williams were on this job. I was up the pole and accidentally let the hot lead fall on Spike-and it went down his neck. Then Spike looked up at me and said: "Really, Harry, you must be more careful.'"



A conservative politician is one in office.

25Jan09

"That means fight where I come from!"
"Wll, why don't you fight then?"
"'Cause I ain't where I come from."




Many a checkered career ends in a striped suit.

24Jan09

"Did you take your usual two weeks' camping trip this year?"
"No; we just left our house doors open, removed the window screens, and got the same effect."



The person who can sithstand the high-pressure salesman illustrates the ower of mind over patter.

23Jan09

Hostess---"This is Captain Banks, who has just returned from a trip to the Artic regions."
Pretty Guest---"Oh, do come nearer the fire You must be cold."



Alas! Screening a picture doesn't take the trash out.

22Jan09

Two rabid Californians, during a heavy rain-storm in Los Angeles, watched the downpour with embarrassed expressions. Finally, after a deep silence, one said to the other:
"Boy, some terrible weather certainly blows in from Nevada, doesn't it?"



Spain has her matatdors. The United States has her senators.

21Jan09

Mrs. Petty---"I'm going to enter Fido in the dog show next month."
Friend---"Do you think he will win many prizes?"
"No, but he'll meet some veryh nice dogs."



Give a convict enough rope and he'll skip.

20Jan09

A tourist was enjoying the wonders of California as pointed out by a native.
"What beautiful grapefruit," he said, as they passed through a grove of citrus-trees.
"Oh, those lemons are a bit small owing to a comparatively bad season," explained the Californian.
"What are those enormous blossoms?" questioned the tourist a little bit farther on.
"Just a patch of dandelions," answered the guide.
Presently they reached the Sacramento River.
"Ah," said the tourist, "some one's radiator is leaking."



To speed is but human; to get caught, a fine.

19Jan09

Jane---"Jack was at the masquerade last night, but I couldn't tell him from Adam."
John---"My heavens! Did they dress like that?"



The woman who concealed her instep now has a daughter who throws her step-ins

18Jan09

"He drove straight to his goal," said the orator. "He looked neither to the right nor to the left, but pressed forward, moved by a definite-purpose. Neither friend nor foe could delay him nor turn him from his course. All who crossed his path did so at their own peril. What would you call such a man?"
"A truck driver," shouted some one from the audience



A real executive is a man who can hand back a letter for a third re-typing to a
red-headed stenographer

17Jan09

New Iceman--"Say, what do you think? The guy in that house threw me out because I tried to kiss the cook this morning."
Milkman--"I think the lady of that house does her own cooking."



All is fair in love and golf

16Jan09

A New Yorker who is a combination of Albert Einstein, the great mathematician, and Rube Goldberg, creator of nutty cartoons, worried a good deal over making out his income-tax return, until he finally hit upon a simple formula, which he now offers free of charge to any who may be perplexed in the future.
He listed as dependents one blonde wife, a sedan car, three goldfish and two children. He then multiplied his grandfather's age by six and seven-eighths, subtracting his telephone number. Next he added the size of his hat and subtracted the number of his car. After these preliminaries, the rest was easy.
Deducting $1,000 for keeping his wife a blonde for the whole year, he divided the remainder by the number of lodges he belonged to, multiplied by the number of electric lights in the house, divided by the size of his collar.
This gave his gross income, which, after dividing by his chest measurement, and subtracting his blood-pressure, gave the net amount owed to the Government.



The real college cheer is the check from home.

15Jan09

A well-known speaker lectured to she members of a literary society, and at the end of his address the secretary approached him with a check. This he politely refused, saying that it might be devoted to some charitable purpose.
"Would you mind," asked the secretary, "if we add it to our special fund?"
"Not at all." said the speaker. "What is the special fund for?"
"To enable us to get better lecturers next year."



If matches were made in heaven, where did the cigar-lighters come from?

14Jan09

A wager was laid that it was a Yankee peculiarity to answer one question by another. To sustain the assertion a down-Easter was interrogated, "I want you," said the bettor, "to give me a straight-forward answer to a plain question."
"I kin do it, mister," said the Yankee.
"Then why is it that New Englanders always answer a question by asking one?"
"Du they?" was the Yankee reply.



Christmas comes, but once a years' enough.

13Jan09

"Do you know any reliable rule for estimating the cost of living?"
"Yes, Take your income--whatever that may be--and add 25 percent."



All is well that ends

12Jan09

"I'm just a young fellow that is struggling to make ends meet."
"Well, if you're so badly bent financially it ought to be easy for you."



A good husband is one who feels in his pocket every time he passes a mailbox

11Jan09

"My ancestors came over in the Mayflower."
"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricter now."



When two egoists meet, it is a case of an I for an I.

10Jan09

"You don't seem to realize on which side your bread is buttered."
"What does it matter? I eat both sides!"



When two women suddenly become friendly, it is a sign that some third woman has lost two friends.

09Jan09

"Jack hasn't come home. Am worried. Is he spending the night with you?" wired Smith's wife to five of his lodge brothers.
Soon after the husband arrived home, and before long a messenger boy came in with five replies to the wires his wife had sent. They all read:
"Yes, Jack is spending the night with me."



Men are born with two eyes, but with one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say.

08Jan09

A young man fell into a state of coma, but recovered before his friends had buried him. One of them asked what it felt like to be dead.
"Dead," he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead, and I knew I wasn't dead because my feet were cold, and I was hungry."
"But how did that make you sure?"
"Well I knew that if I were in heaven I sholdn't be hungry, and if I were in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold."



A widow and her money are soon married.

07Jan09

"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's relatives."
"Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!"



The two chief causes of divorce however, are matrimony and alimony

06Jan09

"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"
"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."



When a woman really loves a man, he can make her do anything she wants to do

05Jan09

Englishman---(patronizingly)--"Your school facilites are excellent, I am told."
American---(suavely)---"Well, I should say. See the Smithsonian Institution over there? Think of a building like that just to educate the Smiths."



The deal the little nations get from the big ones is from the bottom of the pact.

04Jan09

Handwriting Expert---"This specimen indicates patience, indulgence, kindness...."
Client---"That's fine! It's the writing of the tailor I have selected to make my new suit."



Some people have tact, and others tell the truth.

03Jan09

"Was it hot where you spent your vacation last summer?"
"Terrible, and no trees! We took turns sitting in each other's shadow!"



There are few persons with corage enough to admit that they haven't got it

02Jan09

A young wife, wishing to announce the birth of her first child to a friend in a distant city, telegraphed:
"Isaiah 9:6,"
Which passage befins, "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given,"
Her friend, not familiar with the Scriptures, said to her husband:
"Margaret evidently has a boy who weights nine pounds and six ounces, but why on earth did they name him Isaiah?"



Never give the boy all the allowance you can afford. Keep back some to bail him out.

1Jan09

A truck driver was indulging in a burst of profanity which shocked the lady passing by. She regarded him reprovingly, as she demanded:
"My man, where did you learn such awful language?"
"Where did I learn it?" the truck driver repeated. "Huh! I didnt learn it, it's a gift."



People who live in glass houses shouldn't.