31aug06

The toughest part about being on a diet is shutting up about it!!!

Agent---"Don't you wish your office furnishings insured against theft?"
Boss---"Yes, all except the clock. Everybody watches that."


Quote for the day:

Alas! how swift the moments fly!
How flash the years along!
Scarce here, yet gone already by,
The burden of a song.
See childhood, youth, and manhood pass,
And age with furrowed brow:
Time was-Time shall be-drain the glass-
But where in Time is now?---John Quincy Adams

30aug06

Optimism is an intellectual choice!!!

"Will you be true to me?" asked the debutante daughter of a broker to her college boy friend.
"As true as steel," quoth he.
"Common or preferred?" she snapped back.


Quote for the day:

Why so pale and wan, fond lover?
Prithee. why so pale?
Will, when looking well can't move her,
Looking ill prevail?
Prithee , why so pale?---Suckling

29aug06

The more original a discovery the more obvious it seems afterward!!!

He(awkward dancer)-"It was nice of you to give me this dance."
She(sweetly)--"Not at all---this is a charity ball."


Quote for the day:

On with the dance! let joy be unconfin'd;
No sleep till morn. when Youth and Pleasure meet
To chase the glowing Hours with flying feet.---Byron

28aug06

It's every Americans duty to support his government but not necessarily in the style to which it has become accustomed!!!

In a college town a student called at a boarding house to inquire about rooms.
"And what do you charge for your rooms?" he asked.
"Five dollars up," was the reply.
"Yes, but I'm a student," he said, thinking the price a little high.
"That being the case, the price is $5 down."

Quote for the day:

Seven cities warred for Homer, being dead,
Who, living, had no roof to shroud his head.---Thomas Heywood

27aug06

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it!!!

Prof---"Take this sentence. 'Let the cow be taken out of the lot.' What Mood?"
Frosh---"The cow."


Quote for the day:

If you were to make little fishes talk, they would talk like whales. ----Oliver Goldsmith, to Dr. Johnson, 1773

26aug06

There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep!!!

Mrs.Cobb----"Was the grocer's boy impudent to you again when you telephoned your order this morning?"
Maid----"Yes, Mrs. Cobb, he was that; but I fixed him this time. I saz, 'Who the hell do you think you're talkin' to? This is Mrs. Cobb at the phone talkin'.'"


Quote for the day:

A sadder and a wiser man,
He rose the morrow morn.---S.T. Coleridge

25aug06

The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river!!!

Mistress---"Do you think you will settle down here? You've left so many situations."
Maid---"Yes, m'm. But remember I didn't leave any of them voluntarily."


Quote for the day:

Chaste to her husband, frank to all beside,
A teeming mistress, but a barren bride. -----Pope, Alexander (1688-1744)

24aug06

The less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudices!!!

Teacher---(looking over Teddy's home work)--"I don't see how it's possible for a single person to make so many mistakes."
Teddy---(proudly)--"It isn't a single person, teacher. Father helped me."


Quote for the day:

What's a' your jargon o' your schools,
Your Latin names for horns and stools;
If honest Nature made you fools.-----Burns, First Epistle to J. Lapraik

23aug06

Look out how you use proud words. When you let proud words go, it is not easy to call them back!!!

Teacher---"Johnny, why does Missouri stand at the head in mule-raising in the United States?"
Johnny---"Because the other end is dangerous."


Quote for the day:

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.---Shakespeare

22aug06

A politician is a person who can make waves and then make you think he's the only one who can save the ship!!!

Daughter---(having just received a beautiful set of mink skins from her father)--"What I don't see is how such wonderful furs can come from such a low, sneaking, little beast."
Father---"I don't ask for thanks, dear, but I really insist on respect."


Quote for the day:

But when we play the fool, how wide
The theatre expands! beside,
How long the audience sits before us!
How many prompters! what a chorus!----Landor

21aug06

The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes!!!

"Daddy, who was Hamlet?"
"Bring me the Bible, you ignoramus, and I'll show you who he was."


Quote for the day:

Good frend for Jesvs sake forbeare,
To digg the dust encloased heare.
Bles be ye man yt spares thes stones.
And curst be he yt moves my bones--Epitaph on Shakespeare's tombstone in Stratford

20aug06

It is important for our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not!!!

News Potographer (lining up children for a picture ath the Transit Valley Country Club) to small boy--"Smile nicely, at this little girl over here."
Small Boy--"Aw heck, that's my sister."


Quote for the day:

My sister! my sweet sister! if a name
Dearer and purer were, it should be thine.----Byron

19aug06

You can't act like a skunk without someone's getting wind of it!!!

Uncle Ben was visiting little Betty who had been ill.
"Well my dear," he said, "and how did you find yourself this morning?"
Betty opened her big, innocent blue eyes:
"Oh, Uncle, I just opened my eyes--and there I was!"

Quote for the day:

What is lovely never dies,
But passes into other loveliness.---Thomas Bailey Aldrich

18aug06

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time!!!

Four-year-old Doris was getting ready for bed. Suddenly she turned to her mother and asked: "Mother, are we going to move tomorrow?"
"Yes, dear, this is the last night you will sleep here."
"Then," said wee Doris, kneeling beside her bed, "I'd better say good-by to God now if we move to Boston in the morning."


Quote for the day:

And this is the good old Boston,
The home of the bean and the cod,
Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
And the Cabots talk only to God.---J.C Bossidy

17aug06

We never repent of having eaten too little!!!

Stranger---"How old is your little baby brother?"
Little Girl---"He's a this years's model."


Quote for the day:

I have fallen in love with American names,
The sharp names that never get fat,
The snakeskin-titles of mining-claims,
The plumed war-bonnet of Medicine Hat,
Tucson and Deadwood and Lost Mule Flat.---Stephen Vincent Benet

16aug06

Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides!!!

"How did your wife get on with her slimming diet."
"Fine---she disappeared completely last week!"


Quote for the day:
As the Texas darky said: "Dinner-time fur some folks; but just twelve o'clock for me!"---Irvin S. Cobb

15aug06

Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it and wiser than the one that comes after it!!!!

"Men are too mean for anything," said the young bride.
"Whats's the trouble now?" asked her best friend.
"Why, I asked Jack for the car today, and he said that I must be content with the splendid carriage that nature gave me."


Quote for the day:

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Learning together
Headpiece filled with straw, Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar.----T.S. Eliot

14aug06

When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it!!!

"I see in the paper that a widower with nine children out in Iowa has married a widow with seven children."
"That wasn't a marriage, that was a merger."


Quote for the day:
He loves his bonds, who, when the first are broke,
Submits his neck unto a second yoke.----Herrick

13aug06

Watching the scenery instead of the car ahead is the way to become part of both!!!

Wife---"Isn't it wonderful how the waves keep rolling in, darling?"
Husband---"Yes, they remind me of the household bills at home, dear."


Quote for the day:
The house of every one is to him his castle and fortress, as well for his defence against injury and violence, as for his repose---Sir Edward Coke

12aug06

Always put off till tomorrow what you shouldn't do at all!!!

She---"I wonder if you'll love me when my hair has turned gray."
He---"Why not? I've loved you every time you've changed color so far."


Quote for the day:
The created world is but a parenthesis in eternity.---Sir Thomas Browne

11aug06

Do not tell fish stories where the people know you: but particularly don't tell them where they know the fish!!!

"My husband and I attend to our budget every evening. It is more economical."
"How so dear?"
"By the time we get it balanced, it is too late to go anywhere."


Quote for the day:
It is impossible to believe the emotional and spiritual intensity and pure, classic beauty that can be produced by a man, an animal, and a piece of scarlet serge draped over a stick.---Ernest Hemingway, (Death in the Afternoon)

10aug06

If your teenager mows the lawn without being told, don't plan on using the car that night!!!

Woman Friend---"No wonder Edith won't look at you. It's your own fault. You act like a slave--fawning and cringing before her, as if you didn"t dare to call your soul your own."
Mr. Wormley---"Dont't women like that kind of thing?"
Woman Friend---"Um--not until after marriage."


Quote for the day:
Ask not of me, love, what is love?
Ask what is good of God above--
Ask of the great sun what is light--
Ask what is darkness of the night--
.....................................................
Ask what is sweetness of thy kiss--
Ask of thyself what beauty is.-------------PJ Bailey

9aug06

When we put our best foot forward, the other one had better be good enough to stand on!!!

Nervous Suitor---"Sir, er--that is, I would like to--er, that is, I mean I have been going with your daughter for five years--"
Father---"Well, waddye want---a pension?"


Quote for the day:
I teach you the Superman. Man is something which shall be surpassed.---Nietzsche

8aug06

Disappointment is the nurse of wisdom!!!

Dentist's Daughter---"Well, dear, have you asked father for my hand yet?"
Shy Suitor---"No, Everytime I step into his office I lose courage. Today I allowed him to pull another tooth."


Quote for the day:
Needles and pins, needles and pins,
When a man marries his trouble begins.---Anonymous

7aug06

He who has health is rich and does not know it!!

She (tenderly)---"And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"
He---"Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."


Quote for the day:
The moth's kiss first!
Kiss me as if you made believe
You were not sure, this eve,
How my face, your flower, had pursed
Its petals up.---R. Browning

6aug06

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befall him!!

Maid (to spring-cleaning mistress)---"There are half a dozen men down-stairs with vacuum cleaners. They say they have appointments to give demonstrations."
Mistress---"Yes, I sent for them. Put them in different rooms and tell them to get busy."


Quote for the day:
.....the Romantic Hero was no longer the knight, the wandering poet, the cowpuncher, the aviator, nor the brave young district attorney, but the great sales-manager, who had an Analysis of Merchandising Problems on his glass-topped desk, whose title of nobility was "go-getter,"...---Sinclair Lewis

5aug06

The true profession of a man is to find his way to himself!!!

"Oh I'm so glad to get my feet on vice versa again," said the American woman as the ship landed in France.
"My dear, you don't mean vice versa, you mean terra cotta," corrected her Yankee husband.


Quote for the day:
Home-keeping youth have ever homely wits...
I would rather entreat thy company
To see the wonders of the world abroad
Than, living dully sluggardized at home,
Wear out thy youth with shapeless idleness.---Shakespeare

4aug06

There's nothing like having grandchildren to restore your faith in heredity!!!

"How do you sell your eggs?"
"I have often wondered."


Quote for the day:
How far then, Catiline, will you abuse our patience?---Cicero

3aug06

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damn well pleased!!!

"How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid a half-dozen eggs under a bush in my garden, and next day I let him see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."


Quote for the day:
I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contained---Walt Whitman

2aug06

He that always gives way to others will end in having no principles of his own!!!

The motor-car was a thing unheard of to a Kentucky mountaineer in an out-of-the-way community, and he was astounded one day when he saw one go by without any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when a motor-cycle followed and disappared like a flash round a bend in the road.
"Great guns!" he said, turning to his son "Who'd 'a' s'posed that thing had a colt."


Quote for the day:
Ay, now I am in Arden: the more fool I; when I was at home, I was in a better place: but travellers must be content.---Shakespeare

1aug06

Women have a favorite room, men a favorite chair!!!

The Lord Mayor of London had been dining pretty well, and Mr. Choate, Ambassador to England, was seeing his Lordship to the door.
"Now, your Lordship, if you will allow me to advise you," said Mr. Choate, "when you get to the sidewalk curb you will see too hansoms. Take the one to the right: the one to the left doesn't exist."


Quote for the day:
Not drunk is he who from the floor
Can rise alone, and still drink more;
But drunk is he who prostrate lies,
Without the power to drink or rise.---T.L. Peacock