21Nov08

A speaker was lecturing on Forest Reserve. "I don't suppose," said he, "that there is a person in the house who has done a single thing to conserve our timber resources."
Silence ruled for several seconds and then a meek voice from the rear of the hall timidly retorted: "I once shot a woodpecker."



There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about---Oscar Wilde

20Nov08

The blacksmith was instructing a novice in the way to treat a horseshoe.
"I'll bring the shoe from the fire and lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, but he'll never hit a blacksmith again!



Crying is the refuge of plain women, but the ruin of pretty ones---Oscar Wilde

19Nv08

After having listened, at a Christmas dinner, to Jones' stale jokes, Smith said: "I say, Jones, the Christmas turkey is luckier than we are."
"In what way?"
"He isn't stuffed with chestnuts until after he is dead."



Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship us and are always bothering us to do something for them---Oscar Wilde

18Nov08

"Mr. Jones," began the timid-looking young man, "er-ah-that is, can -er-I-will you--"
"Why, yes, my boy, you may have her," smiled the girl's father.
The young man gasped.
"What's that? Have whom?" he asked.
"My daughter, of course," replied Jones. "That's what you mean. You want to marry her, don't you?"
"Why, no," said the young man. "I just wanted to know if you could lend me $25.00.
"Certainly not!" said Jones, sharply. "Why, I hardly know you."



Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.---Oscar Wilde

17Nov08

"I gave that man fifty cents for saving my life."
"What did he do?"
"Gave me back twenty cents change."



Fashions is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months---Oscar Wilde

16Nov08

"Bragson claims to have been born with a gold spoon in his mouth."
"If he was, I'll bet it had somebody else's initials on it."



Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing---Voltaire

15Nov08

On a rainy day recently a lady in a mink coat got on a Madison Avenue bus. "I don't suppose I've ridden on a bus in two years," she said to the conductor, a gloomy fellow, as she paid her fare. "I ride in my own car," she explained.
"You don't know how we've missed you," the conductor said.



Noise proves nothin. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid---Mark Twain

14Nov08

Bob---"Aren't you coming in swimming?"
Bertha---"I can't. A moth ate my bathing suit."
Bob--"The little rascal. He must have been on a diet."



Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education---Mark Twain

13Nov08

"There is talk that the next war will be fought with radio."
"Well, I'm in training. I've faced some terrible programs."



There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can---Mark Twain

12Nov08

Judge---"Too old! Why, I could give you twenty years."
Friend---"Well, I'm in training. I've faced some terrible programs."



Blessed be he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed---Swift

11Nov08

A hint, if properly managed, may be given without offending.
"Are you still bothered by those relatives of yours who come down from town to eat a big Sunday dinner and never invite you in return?"
"No," said the unfortunate victim, "they finally took the hint."
"What did you say to them?" asked Mrs. Smith eagerly.
"Nothing was said," explained the other, "but we served sponge cake every time they came."



Don't you know, as the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen---Sydney Smith

10Nov08

"Wife home from the mountains, Jim?"
"Just got back."
"Didn't she stay longer than usual?"
"Yes. Couldn't afford to leave there while there were so many servants to tip. She had to stay until most of them were gone."



An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable---George Bernard Shaw

09Nov08

A lady going from home for the day locked everything up well, and for the grocer's benefit wrote on a card: "All out. Dont leave anything." This she stuck on the door. On her return home, she found her shouse ransacked and all her choicest possessions gone. To the card on the door was added: "Thanks! We haven't left much."



Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same---George Bernard Shaw

08Nov08

"Lay down, pup, lay down," ordered the man. "Good doggie, lay down, I say."
"You'll have to say "lie down,' Mister," declared a small bystander. "That's a Boston terrier."



First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity---George Bernard Shaw

07Nov08

The quack was selling an elixir which he declared would make men live to a great age.
"Look at me," he shouted. "Hale and hearty, I'm over 300 years old."
"Is he really as old as that?" asked a listener of the youthful assistant.
"I can't say," replied the assistant. "I've only worked for him for 100 years."



A pessimist? A man who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it---George Bernard Shaw

06Nov08

Downstairs---"Didn't you hear me pounding on the ceiling?"
Upstairs---"Oh, that's all right/ We were making a lot of noise ourselves."



Beware of the man who does not return your blow; he neither forgives you nor allows you to forgive yourself---George Bernard Shaw

05Nov08

"Where is that beautiful canary bird of yours that used to sing so clearly and sweetly?"
"I had to sell him. My son left the cage on the radio set and he learned static."



In Heaven an angel is nobody in particular---George Bernard Shaw

04Nov08

Soon after a society woman obtained a cat from the Humane Society she telephoned back to say they would not keep it. "I'm awfully sorry," she said, "It's a dear, and we are fond of it, but the cat is a bird killer, and we just can't have a bird killer.
"Im sure my husband would be glad to make a contribution to the Humane Society for your trouble in taking the cat back," she added, "but he is up north shooting deer."



Titles distinguish the mediocre, embarrass the superior, and are disgraced by the inferior---George Bernard Shaw.

03Nov08

"Do Englishmen understand American slang?"
"Some of them do, Why?"
"My daughter is to be married in London, and the earl has cabled me to come across."



Do not love your neighbor as yourself. If you are on good terms with yourself it is an impertinence; if on bad, an injury.---George Bernard Shaw

02Nov08

The Bore---"I passed by your place yesterday."
The Bored---"Thanks, awfully!"



The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe any one else---George Bernard Shaw

01Nov08

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" asked Mrs. Jones.
"Over to Bill Brown's house," said Mr. Jones. "He has just telephoned to ask if I could lend him a corkscrew, and I'm taking it myself."
"Couldn't you send it?"
Mrs. Jones," said Mr. Jones, in cutting tones, "the question yhou asked me shows why most women are unfit to lead armies and make quick decisions in business deals involving millions. When the psychological moment arrives they don't know what to do with it.



Take care to get what you like, or you will end by liking what you get---George Berbard Shaw

31Oct08

Maiden Aunt---"And what brought you to town, Henry?"
Henry---"Oh, well, I jus' come to see the sights, and I thought that I'd call on you first."


Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them---De Segur

30Oct08

"I'd be much better off if they'd put that sign on the mail box."
"What sign?"
"Post no bills."



It is easier for a woman to defend her virtue against men than her reputation against women---Rochebrune

29Oct08

"Were any of your boyish ambitions ever realized?"
"Yes, When my mother used to cut my hair I often wished I might be bald-headed."



In honour I gained them, and in honour I will die with them---Horatio Nelson

28Oct08

"Hullo, Brown. Are you using your lawn-mower this afternoon?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I am."
"Splendid! Then you won't be wanting your tennis reacket--I've broken mine!"



If I had been sensured every time I have run my ship, or fleets under my command, into great danger, I should have long ago been out of the Service and never in the House of Peers---Horatio Nelson

27Oct08

The objector to temperance spoke bitterly. "Water has killed more people than liquor ever did."
"You are raving," declared the teetoaler. "How do you make that out?"
"Well, to begin with, there was the flood!"



If a man consults whether he is to fight, whe he has the power in his own hands, it is certain that his opinion is against fighting---Horatio Nelson

26Oct08

"What makes yhour next-door neighbor so unpopular?"
"He's fixed his lawn-mower so you have to drop a nickel in the slot to make it go."



I cannot command winds and weather---Horatio Nelson

25Oct08

Mayor---"I never saw the park littered so with paper as it is this morning. How do you account for it?"
Superintendent---"The Park Commissioner had leaflets distributed yesterday asking people not to throw paper about."



Gentlemen, When the enemy is committed to a mistake we must not interrupt him too soon----Horatio Nelson

24Oct08

A boastful Englishman was holding forth on the merits of his watch to friends in New York City. At last one of the Americans decided he could stand it no longer.
"That's nothing," he interrupted. "I dropped my watch into the Hudson a year ago, and it's been running ever since."
The Englishman looked taken aback
"What!" he exclaimed, "the same watch?"
"No," he replied, "the Hudson."



I have only one eye, I have a right to be blind sometimes---I really do not see the signal!-----Horation Nelson

23Oct08

City Slicker--"What does your son do?"
Farmer--"He's a bootblack in the city."
City Slicker--"Oh, I see, you make hay while the son shines."



Firstly you must always implicitly obey orders, without attempting to form any opinion of your own regarding their propriety. Secondly, you muts consider every man your enemy who speaks ill of your king; and thirdly you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil---Horation Nelson

22Oct08

Interviewer---"Do you believe that the younger generation is on the road to perdition?"
Octogenarian---"Yes, sir; I've believed that f'r nigh onto 60 years!"



First gain the victory and then make the best use of it you can---Horatio Nelson

21Oct08

Noah was surprised to see three camels coming up the gangway. "Hey!" he shouted, "one of you will have to stay ashore."
"Not me," said the first ship of the desert, "I am the camel so many people swallow while straining at a gnat."
"I," said the second, "am the camel whose back is broken by the last straw."
"And I," said the third and last, "am the camel which shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter the kingdom of heaven."
Noah scratched his head in perplexity. Finally, deciding that posterity could ill spare any of these and would be lost for illustrations without them, he let them all come aboard.



England expects that every man will do his duty---Horatio Nelson

20Oct08

If a Hottentot tot taught a Hottentot tot to talk e'er the tot could totter, ought the Hottentot tot be taught to say aught, or naught, or what ought to be taught her?
If to hoot and to toot a Hottentot tot be taught by a Hottentot tutor, should the tutor get hot if the Hottentot tot hoot and toot at the Hottentot tutor?



Duty is the great business of a sea officer; all private considerations must give way to it, however painful it may be---Horation Nelson

19Oct08

The bored youth turned to his partner at a dinner party. "Who is that strange-looking man over there, who stares at me so much?"
"Oh, that's Professor Jenkins," she replied brightly. "You know, the famous expert on insanity."



Desperate affairs require desperate measures---Horatio Nelson

18Oct08

"So you have been cured of your insomnia? It must be an immense relief."
"You've said it. Why, I lie awake half the night thinking how I used to suffer from it."



I cannot if I am in the field of glory, be kept out of sight; wherever there is anything to be done, there Providence is sure to direct my steps--Horation Nelson

17Oct08

The speaker was getting tired of being interrupted.
"We seem to have a great many fools here tonight," he said.
"Wouldn't it be advisable to hear one at a time?"
"Yes," said a voice. "Get on with your speech."



Buonaparte has often made his boast that our fleet would be worn out by keeping the sea and that his was kept in order and increasing by staying in port: but know he finds I fancy. If Emporers hear the truth, that his fleet suffers more in a night than ours in one year----Horatio Nelson

16Oct08

A speaker talking for more than two hours, said to his audience, "I'm sorry I spoke so long--you see, I haven't got a watch with me."
"Yes," shouted one in the audience, "but there's a calendar back of you."



Marriage is a lottery in which men stake their liberty, and women their happiness---Mme. de Rieux

15Oct08

Chairman (finishing eulogistic speech)---"Our dear old friend here has lived amongst us for forty years, is living with us now, and, he says, hopes to live amongst us for many years to come. Gentlemen, I can only add that we are looking forward to burying him here."



Insanity in individuals is something rare-but in groups, parties, nations and epochs it is the rule---Nietzsche

14Oct08

"Have any of your family connections ever been traced?
"Yes, they traced an unclo of mine as far as Canada once."



People say you mustn't love your friends' wife, but how are you to love your enemy's wife?---George Moore

13Oct08

Smith was sitting down to breakfast one morning when he was astounded to see in the paper an announcement of his own death.
He rang up his friend Jones at once. "Hello. Jones!" he said. "Have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"
"Yes," replied Jones, "Where are you speaking from?"



The picture of a woman who knows is never so agreeable a companion as the picture of a woman one has never seen---George Moore

12Oct08

Diogenes was looking for an honest man in New York. "What luck? asked the wayfarer. "Oh, pretty fair," replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."



The great man learns only what he wants to learn; the mediocre man can learn what others think he should learn---George Moore

11Oct08

"Here's one name on the committee that I never heard of."
"Oh, that's probably the person who actually does the work."



Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something. but no wone does what he sets out to do---George Moore

10Oct08

Anxious that his meeting should go off quietly, the temperance reformer had hired an ex-prizefighter to keep order. Now he was speaking in glowin words:
"What is it that we all want when we get home tired from work? What do we long for to lighten our burdens, to gladden our heartsk and to bring a smile of true happiness to our lips?"
When he paused for effect, the ex-prizefightrer butted in:
"And the first man who say 'a drink' goes out on his ear!"



Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on---Henry Louis Mencken

09Oct08

In a certain mining town, there was a competition to see who could eat the most in the shortest time. One man easily out distanced all the other competitors. During the time allowed, he put away a beefsteak, a pound of sausages, a hefty meat pie and about a yard of suet pudding. For this remarkable performance he was roundly feted and, of course, he was adjudged the winner.

Just as he was about to leave the scene of his glory, he turned round and said, "I say, you fellows, don't let my wife know or I won't get any dinner.

When you become used to never being alone you may consider yourself Americanized--Andre Maurois

08Oct08

"Brown volunteered to lend me money."

"Did you take it?"

"No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose."

Blessed are they who have nothing to say, and we cannot be persuaded to say it.---James Russell Lowell

07Oct08

Landlady (in the year 2000)---"And this is the bathroom."

Modern Miss---"Yes. Now show me the television arrester."

Most women do not weep for the loss of a lover to show that they had been loved so much as to show that they are worth being loved--La Rochefoucauld

06Oct08

"After all, what is the difference between the rich man and the poor man?"

"The rich man has acute laryngitis and the poor man has a cold."

In their first passions women love the lover, in the others they love love---La Rochefoucauld

05Oct08

"I wonder why it is that fat men are always good-natured?"

"Probably because it takes them so long to get mad clear through."

Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples---La Rochefoucauld

04Oct08

Weather Man---"Put down rain for a certainty this afternoon."

Assistant---"Are you positive, sir?"

Weather Man---"Yes, indeed. I've lost my umbrella. I'm planning to play golf, and my wife's giving a lawn-party."

Men often proceed from love to ambition, but they seldom return from ambition to love---La Rochefoucauld

03Oct08

"But why did you buy a dachshund for the children?"

"So that they can all pet him at once."

One kind of happiness is to know exactly at what point to be miserable---La Rochefoucauld