30Jun09

Hewitt---"You don't seem to think much of him."
Jewitt---"If he had his conscience taken out it would be a minor operation."



Quote for the day:
Some of the congressional investigators would look for bones in animal crackers.

29Jun09

A man threw a nickel towards the blind man's cup. The coin missed and rolled along the pavemnent, but the man with the dark glasses quickly recovered it.
"But I thought you were blind?"
"No, I am not the regular blind man, sir," he said, "I'm just taking his place while he's at the movies."



Quote for the day:
A bird in the hand is bad table manners.

28Jun09

He was genuinely enthusiastic about the virtues of temperance, but his face made people doubt him.
Toward the close of his lecture, he squared his shoulders, held his rather large head erect, and said: "I have lived in this town all my life. In this town there are fifty-five public houses, and I am proud to say that I never been in one of them!"
Then came a voice from the back: "Which one is that?"



Quote for the day:
It's easy to pick out the best people. They'll help you do it.

27Jun09

"A fine youngster," said the elderly man to the young mother, sitting opposite him on the train. "I hope you will bring him up to be an upright and conscientious man."
"Yes," smiled the fond mother, "but I'm afraid it's going to be a bit difficult, as------"
"Oh, nonsense," continued the adviser: "as the twig is bent so is the tree inclined."
"I know it," agreed the mother; "but this twig is bent on being a girl, and we are inclined to let it go at that."



Quote for the day:
It is a known fact that a man with a college diploma and ten cents can get a cup of coffee anywhere.

26Jun09

"Can you tell me how to get to Adams Street?"
"What's that, stranger? I'm a little deaf."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said I'm a little deaf, I didn't hear you"
"You don't say! I'm deaf too."
"Thats's too bad! Now, what was it you wanted?"
"Can you tell me how to get to Adams Street?"
"Sure, You go down this way for four blocks and then turn to your right. It's the third street down."
"That's Adams Street, is it?"
"Oh! No, Excuse me, old man. I thought you said Adams Street."
"No, I said Adams Street."
"Never heard of it. Sorry, stranger."



Quote for the day:
The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way." in now revised to "When there's a bill we're away."

25Jun09

First Southerner---"Were you in New York long enough to feel at home?"
Second Southerner---"Yes, sir; why, I got so I could keep my seat in the cars with a lady standing and not even think about it."



Quote for the day:
When better predictions are made sports writers wont make them.














25

24Jun09

"Major, I see two cocktails carried to your room every morning, as if you had some one to drink with."
"Yes, sir; one cocktail makes me feel like another man; and, of course,k I'm bound to treat the other man."



Quote for the day:
A French author says: "When I lost my wife,m every family in town offered me another; but when I lost my horse, no one offered to make him good."

23Jun09

Mrs.Newrich---"I want yhou to teach my son a foreign language."
Professor---"Certainly, madam, French, German, Italian, Spanish---?"
Mrs. Newrich---"Which is the most foreign?"



Quote for the day:
In some respects the idea of finger printing children seems to ba a good one. At least it will settle the question as to who used the guest towel in the bathroom.

22Jun09

The prim old lady was given the first glass of beer she ever had. Afte sipping it for a moment she looked up with a puzzled air.
"How odd!" she murmured. "It tastes just like the medicine my husband has been taking for the last twenty years."



Quote for the day:
Our unfortunate experience is that a day off is generally followed by an off day.

21Jun09

"Friend," said one immigrant to another. "America is a grand country to settle in. They don't hang you here for murder.
"What do they do to you?" the other immigrant asked.
"They kill you," was the reply, "with elocution."



Quote for the day:
Every woman believes there are two sides of every question---her side and the wrong side.

20Jun09

A newly-married couple were entertaining and among the guests was one whose conduct was rather flippant. At supper he held up on his fork a piece of meat which had been served him, and in a vein of intended humor, remarked, "Is this pig?"
"To which end of the fork do you refer?" asked a quiet-looking man sitting at the other end of the table.



Quote for the day:
Children have become so expensive that only the poor can afford them.

19Jun09

A man walked into a pool parlor and said: "I will give a dollar to the laziest man here."
Man lying on billiard table: "Roll me over, buddy and stick it in my back pocket."



Quote for the day:
Still if nobody dropped out at the eighth grade, who would be ready to hire the college graduates.

18Jun09

"Purely by accident, I have made one of the greatest discoveries," said the scientist.
"May I ask what it was?"
"I found," said the scientist, "that by keeping a bottle of ink handy you can use a fountain pen just like any other pen-without all the trouble of filling it."



Quote for the day:
A telephone pole never hits an automobile except in self-defense.

17Jun09

"Animals do not know what it is to be superstitious," declares a clergyman. But we have yet to hear of a mouse that will pass a black cat on a Friday.



Quote for the day:
Every cosmetic dealer knows that woman's face is his fortune.

16Jun09

A young man wise beyound his years paused before answering a widow who had asked him to guess her age.
"You must have some idea." she said.
"I have several ideas." said tghe young man, with a smile. "The only trouble is that I hesitate whether to make you years younger on account of your looks, or ten years older on account of your intelligence."



Quote for the day:
What every wife wants to know: how the other half lives.

15Jun09

Smith---"You mustn't take offense if I speak to you about something I have had on my mind for some time, just a little habit of yours."
Jones---"Certainly not."
Smith---"Nobody has ever had the nerve to tell you before. And you are such a splendid noble fellow."
Jones---"Yes, yes."
Smith---"You're one of those fellows who never really know what is being said to them; you're always pursuing some train of thought. Anyone can tell half the time you are not listening by the far-away look in your eyes. You've offended a lot of people. Of course, it's terribly rude---only you don't know it. You mustn't any more, old chap (putting his hand on Jones's shoulder). Promise me you'll quit.
Jones---(obliged to face him)---"Just what were you saying?"



Quote for the day:
It usually takes five years for a tree to produce nuts, but this isn't true of a family tree.

14Jun09

A lady traveling through California for the first time saw a fig tree. She said to the guide, "My good man, what kind of a tree is that?"
"Lady, that is a fig tree."
"Oh, no, it can't be a fig tree," she said.
"Yes ma'am, that's a fig tree."
"Oh," said the lady, "I thought the leaves were larger that that."



Quote for the day:
A thing of beauty is a joy until it goes bathing.

13Jun09

They had just turned the corner from one of the most beautiful of steep valleys.
She exclaimed: "What a beautiful gorge that was!"
"Yes, it wasn't bad," he replied, his mind flashing back, unromantically, to the restaurant in the hollow, "but I could have done with a bit more apple pie."



Quote for the day:
The time is approaching when the number of divorces will equal the number of marriages. Love is evidently finding a way---out.

12Jun09

"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards," said the frivolous man. "Can you think of another?"
The serious man scowled. "Tut-tut!" he cried contemptuously.
And they rode on in silence.



Quote for the day:
About all that is necessary for a divorce nowadays is a wedding.

11Jun09

He----"Going to have dinner anywhere tonight?"
She (eagerly)----"Why, no, not that I know of."
He----"Gee, you'll be awfully hungry by morning!"



Quote for the day:
The disheartening thing about the average diet regime is it does so much for the will power and so little for the waist line.

10Jun09

"What is it about a dachshund that you don't care for?"
"They make such a draft when they come into a room. They always keep the door open so long."



Quote for the day:
If you wish to have a short winter, have your note come due in the spring.

09Jun09

New Yorker (incredulously)---"And you mean to say that in California you have 365 days of sunshine a year?"
Man from Los Angeles---"Exactly so, sir, and that's amight conservative estimate."



Quote for the day:
Yesterday we heard positively the last one on our friend, the absent-minded professor. He slammed his wife and kissed the door.

08Jun09

Fire Chief (putting recruit throug his paces)---"We have only one fire engine. Now, suppose we are called away to a fire and you are left in charge of the station. Another fire breaks out several miles away. What would you do about the second fire?"
Recruit---"I'd endeavor to keep it alight, sir, until you got back."



Quote for the day:
A member of a jazz orchestra recently went back to his job in a boiler factory. Possibly the poor fellow couldn't stand the noise.

07Jun09

"ou didn't roll you own cigarettes before. Why do you do so now?"
"Because the doctor told me I needed a little exercise."



Quote for the day:
Whom the juries would acquit they first make mad.

06Jun09

"You're what is called a self-made man?"
"Yes, I suppose I am."
"Your wife and daughters must be proud of you."
"They're about as proud of me as they would be of a home-made dress."



Quote for the day:
It has been asked why more Americans do not own hippopotamuses. It probably is because none of the installment stores have thought about selling hippopotamuses at a dollar down and a dollar a week thereafter.

05Jun09

First New Englander---"So you had an operation on your nose?"
Second New Englander---"Yes, it was getting so I could hardly talk through it."



Quote for the day:
Guests will happen in, in the best regulated families.

04Jun09

"Glad to see you, old man. Can you lend me five dollars?"
"Sorry, but I haven't a cent with me today."
"And at home?"
"They're all very well, thank you, very well."



Quote for the day:
Why is a Scot called close. You can touch anybody who is close.

03Jun09

"I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when----"
"yes,yes; go on."
"I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!"



Quote for the day:
Italy likes her duces wild.

02Jun09

A lady had just purchased a postage stamp at a substation. "Must I stick it on myself?" She asked.
"Positively not, madam," replied the postal clerk. "It will accomplish more if you stick it on the envelope."



Quote for the day:
When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a birthday she takes a year off.

01Jun09

"I fought a tough battle to get into society in Boston, but I finally managed it."
"I imagine you had to keep your chin up."
"No, just my nose!"



Quote for the day:
Every woman should have at least one husband to share her joys and her sorrows and her friends secrets.