30Apr09

Here are some of the questions and answers overheard ath the Bureau of Naturalization:
"Where is Washington?"
"He's dead."
"I mean the Capital of the United States."
"Oh, they loaned it all to Europe."
"Do you promise to support the Constitution?"
"Me? How can I? I've a wife and six children to support."



If all the serial stories were placed end to end in this world they would have to be continued in the next.

29Apr09

A party of young men were camping, and to avert annoying questions they made it a rule that the one who asked a question that he conld not answer himself had to do the cooking.
One evening, while sitting around the fire, one of the boys asked: "Why is it that a ground squirrel never leaves any dirt at the mouth of its burrow?"
They all guessed and missed. So he was asked to answer it himself.
"Why," he said, "because it always begins to dig at the other end of the hole."
"But," one asked, "how does it get to the other end of the hole?"
"Well," was the reply, "that's your question."



Among the makers of one-piece bathing suits, the thighs the limit.

28Apr09

Here is a question that stumps all applicants for jobs in the New York Fire Department:
"What piece of fire apparatus won't go up a one-way street?"
No applicant has ever answered it correctly.
The answer is: "A fireboat."



When better books are suppressed more people will read them

27Apr09

"Of course you entertained during the social season?"
"Well," answered Mr. Newrich, "mother and the girls didn't think much of me as an entertainer, but I overheard several visitors say I was one of the most amusin' people that ever broke in."



All men are patriotic when they're called to serve on a jury in a bathing beauty contest.

26Apr09

"Yes," sid the cheerful one, telling of a harrowing experience, "we had sreached the place where we had eaten the last dog."
"It must have been terrible!" exclaimed the fair listener.
"It was," he said; "they didn't even have mustard to put on it, and it was at least twenty miles to the next stand."



One thing the discovery of the North Pole proved is that there's no one sitting on top of the world.

25Apr09

A southerner, with the intense love for his own section of the country, attended a banquet. The next day a friend asked him who was present. With a reminiscent smile he replied: "An elegant gentleman from Virginia a gentleman from Kentucky, a man from Ohio, a bounder from Chicago, a fellow from New York, and a galoot from Maine."



Members of the younger generation are alike in many disrespects.

24Apr09

"I don't know how to fill out this question."
"What is it?"
"It says, 'Who was your mother before she was married?' and I didn't have any mother before she was married."



The director can't fire any of his chorus because he hasn't anything on any of them.

23Apr09

First Mosquito---"Why are you making such a fuss?"
Second Ditto---"Whoopee! I passed the screen test."



A complicated traffic tangle was caused recently by a lady motorist who signaled that she was about to turn to the right, and did so.

22Apr09

"Thankful! What have I to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills."
"Then, man alive, be thankful you aren't one of the creditors."



The average man's life is now, divided between worry over two tubes, radio and inner.

21Apr09

A man called at a village post-office for a registered letter which he knew would be awaiting him. The letter was there, but the clerk demurred at handing it over, as he had no means of identifying the caller. The caller took a photograph of himself from his pocket, remarking: "I think that ought to satisfy you as to who I am."
The clerk looked long and earnestly at the portrait, and then said: "Yes, that's you right enough. Here's your letter."



At a bankers' dinner the other evening a banker read a bad poem that he wrote, and nothing was done about it. But just let a poet write a bad check!

20Apr09

Stranger---"I've come out here to make an honest living."
Native---"Well, there's not much competition."



"I visit my friends occasionally." remarked the book lover, merely for the purpose of looking over my library.

19Apr09

"Hello, Brown! Have you seen Smith lately? I've been looking for him high and low for the last three months."
"Well, those are the places. He's been dead about that long."



A girl with cotton stockings never sees a mouse.

18Apr09

"We go away for our holidays every third year."
"What do you do the other years?"
"The first one we talk of last year's holiday, and the nest year we discuss plans for the following year."



One of the big Christmas problems this era is the question of what to get for the girl who doesn't smoke.

17Apr09

"Have you noticed how Ashton drops his aspirates?"
"It's nothing to the way he drops his vowels. I've got more than a dozen of his I.O.Us."



A man is that large irrational creature who is always looking for home atmosphere in a hotel and hotel service around the house.

16Apr09

"Those girls look exactly alike. Are they twins?"
"Oh, no. They merely went to the same plastic surgeon."



Man and woman can get along nicely as life partners, if they can avoid being bridge partners.

15Apr09

He---"If you'll give me your telephone number I'll call you up sometime."
She---It's in the book."
He---"Fine! What's your name?"
She---"That's in the book, too."



If you can't find it in the dictionary, the atlas or the Encyclopedia Britannica, don't be discouraged. Ask for it at the drug store.

14Apr09

A gentleman feeling a bit fed up with life decided to commit suicide by hanging himself. A friend came into the room and discovered him standing with a rope round his waist, and he inquired wht he was trying to do. The gentleman told him he was taking his own life.
"But," said hes friend, "why have you the rope round your waist?"
"Well," said the man, "when I tied it round my neck it was choking me."



Artist's Model: "I don't feel in the nude for work, somehow."

13Apr09

Missionary---"Why do you look at me so intently."
Cannibal---"I am the food inspector."



The world's best after dinner speech: "Waiter, give me both checks."

12Apr09

Friend---"Was your uncle's mind vigorous and sane up to the very last?"
Heir---"I don't know--the will won't be read until tomorrow."



Mr and Mrs Jock MacGregor saved money on their honeymoon by staying at home and hearing the roar of Niagra Falls broadcast over the radio.

11Apr09

A census-taker working in lower New York on the East Side, came to a tenement that was literally crowded with children, and observing a woman bending over a was tub he addressed her as follows:
"Madam, I am the census-taker; how many children have you?"
"Well, lemme see," replied the woman, as she straightened up and wiped her hands on her apron. "There's Mary and Ellen and Delia and Susie and Emma and Tommy and Albert and Eddie and Charlie and Frank and----"
"Madam,' interrupted the census man, "if you could just give me the number---"
"Number!" she exclaimed, indignantly. "I want you to understand that we ain't got to numberin' 'em yet. We ain't run out o' names!"



It's a sure sign of summer when a Scotchman throws his Christmas tree away.

10Apr09

Belle---"If I were you, Percy, I should tell him just what I think of him."
Percy---"How can I? The cad has no telephone.



Then there's the playboy who kept calling his girl friend a little sugar and wound up paying her a lump sum.

09Apr09

Mr. Brown was sitting down to breakfast one morning when he was astounded to see in the paper an announcement of his death. He rang up his frien Smith.
"Hello, Smith," he said, "have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"
"Er-yes," replied Smith, "where are you talking from?"



Did you hear about the Scotchman who stood and snapped his fingers on the Fourth of July?

08Apr09

A local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong in his predictions that he became the laughing stock of the community. He, therefore, asked headquarters to transfer him to another station.
A brief correspondence ensued.
"Why," asked headquarters, "do you wish to be transferred?"
"Because," the forecaster promptly replied, "the climate doesn't agree with me."



If a woman is an hour late in returning home, and her husband is worried, she is flattered. If a man is three hours late he is angry if anyone is worried.

07Apr09

A man in Chicago was grumbling about the heat. Said another, who had just returned from a trip through the South:
"Hot! Boy, you don't know what hot is. One day this week in Mississippi I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking."



A new process found in London will make cardboard as strong as iron. This answers a complaint from Scotland that Christmas cards wear out after a few seasons.

06Apr09

His relatives telephoned to the nearest florist's. The ribbon must be extra wide with "Rest in Peace." on both sides, and if there was room, "We Shall Meet in Heaven."
The florist was away and his new assistant handled the job. There was a sensation when the flowers turned up at the funeral. The ribbon was extra wide, indeed, and on it was the inscription:
"Rest in peace on both sides, and, if there is room, we shall meet in heaven."



The summer hotel may be crowded but there's always room for one bore.

05Mar09

Sherlock Holmes---"Ah, Watsdon, I see you have on your winter underwear."
Watson---"Marvelous, Holmes, marvelous! How did you ever deduce that?"
Sherlock---"Well, you've forgotten to put on your trousers."



Many a girl with a negative personality may be developed in a dark room.

04Mar09

"Did you give the mayor my note?" a man asked of the messenger.
"Yes, sir, but there ain't no use sendin' that man any notes. He's blind as a bat."
"Blind? How do you know? That's news to me."
"Course he's blind. Twice he asked me where my hat was, and there it was in plain sight on my head all the time. Yes, sir, he's blind as a bat!"



As a rule when a man is generous to a fault, it's his own fault he's generous to.

03Apr09

The lady was visiting the aquarium. "Can you tell me whether I could get a live shark here?" she asked an attendant.
"A live shark? What could you do with a live shark?"
"A neighbor's cat has been eating my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson."



"An 'aye' for an I," muttered the candidate as he voted for himself.

02Apr09

"Did the patent medicine you purchased cure your aunt?"
"Mercy, no. On reading the circular that was wrapped around the bottle she got two more diseases."



First the bride selects the bridesmaid. Then the church. Then the trousseau. Then her lawyer. Then her detective.

01Apr09

A religious and charitable woman noticed a very down-and-out sort of man standing at the corner of the street near her residence.
One morning she took compassion on him, pressed a dollar into his hand and whispered, "Never despair."
Next time she saw him he stopped her and handed her nine dollars.
"What does this mean?" she asked.
"It means, ma'am," said the man, "that 'Never Despair' won at 8 to 1."



It's what the guests say as they swing out of the driveway that really counts.