31Dec08

A skeptic who was badgering a simple-minded old man about a miracle and Balaam's ass, finally said: "How is it possible for an ass to talk like a man?"
"Well," replied the honest old believer, with meaning emphasis, "I don't see why it ain't as easy for an ass to talk like a man as it is for man to talk like an ass."



You cannot keep the home circle square with a triangle.

30Dec08

A gold-digger had died and all her worldly possessions, including a parrot, were being auctioned off.
"What am I offered for this beautiful bird?" said the auctioneer.
"One bean," bid a bystander.
"Two bucks," roared another.
"Make it five, Daddy," croaked the parrot,"an I'll give you a kiss."



Many a man stays home nights because he has the house to himself.

29Dec08

Cynic---"The owner of young chickens must quit counting then when he has 3,000."
Wiseguy---"No doubt. Solomon stopped a long time before that."



The best thing about a popular song is that it is not popular very long.

28Dec08

A country woman was walking along a city street when she was amazed to see a man take a pigeon after pigeon out of a hamper, look at his watch and then project the birds into the air.
"Hey, mister," she cried, running up to him, "you might give me one for my little Johnny before you throw them all away."



Mirrors reflect without speaking and woman speak without reflecting.

27Dec08

Young Girl---"Yes! I feel an intense longing to do something for others."
Friend---"Just whom do yhou mean by others?"
Young Girl--"Well, I suppose almost anyody outside of my immediate family."



There,s no justice. If you make out your income tax correctly you go to the poorhouse. If you don't you go to jail.

26Dec08

"Do you summer in the country?"
"No, I summer in the city."



Stealing a kiss may be petty larceny, but sometimes it's grand

25Dec08

According to an old superstitious belief, the wearing of a turquoise would preserve one from injury by falling. A medieval king who wore a turquoise ring asked his jester one day:
"What do you think whold happen if I jumped off the higest part of the castle with this ring on my finger?"
The jester replied with a ready wit worthy of his office, "The turquoise, my lord, would probably not be hurt.



Some laws may seem to have no teeth, but they show unmistakable evidence of ivory.

24Dec08

Married Grandaughter--"Tom and I have arranged our holiday. We're going to hike."
Grandma---"It's wonderful how popular that place has become. Everybody seems to be going there nowadays."



Pity the man who marriesw for love and then finds that his wife has no money.

23Dec08

"Doesn't it madden you when a girl is slow about getting ready to go to dinner with you?"
"Yes, the longer she takes the hungrier she gets."



Financial circumstances often alter legal cases

22Dec08

"You look depressed, my friend. What are you thinking of?"
"My future."
"What makes it seem so hopeless?"
"My past."



Then too, the world will make a beaten path to your door if you produce a better clap-trap

21Dec08

"Can you operate a typewriter?"
"Yes, sir, I use the Biblical system."
"I never heard of it."
"Seek and ye shall find."



Modern fiction says critic, runs too much to love. Yes, and modern love runs too much to fiction.

20Dec08

We arise in the morning, contact a cake of soap briefly, a shaving brush more extensively. We contact a pair of eggs, a street-car conductor, and finally the office. There is an unpleasant contact with a bill collector. He says he must contact some money. Later, perhaps, we contact a customer or two. When the shades of night have contacted the earth, we contact dinner, and pass the evening contacting poor bridge hands.
And so to bed.
Our fathers had all these experiences, but they didn't know how to describe them.



The ideal man is as numerous as there are women to describe him.

19Dec08

Miss Gushin---"It must be wonderful to be a parachute jumper, I suppose you've had some terrible experiences."
Parachutist (fed up)---"Yes, miss, terrible, Why, once I came down where there was a sign, 'Keep Off the Grass'".



Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, and you'll never be a success at a tea party.

18Dec08

"Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that you fat fellows are always good natured?"
"We have to be," answered Bob, "You see, we can't either fight or run."



Golf is about the only thing that depreciates above par.

17Dec08

"Don't you think a real friend ought to feel sympathetic when one needs money?"
"I think a good many friends in such cases are touched."



For every woman who makes a fool out of a man there is another woman who makes a man out of a fool.

16Dec08

"He claims to be related to you and says he can prove it."
"The man's a fool."
"That may be a mere coincidence."



A flying rumor never has any trouble in making a landing

15Dec08

A man was happy because he had done three good deeds the day before. He had met a poor woman on the street, who was weeping and who held a sickly-looking child in her arms. Inquiry showed that she was weeping because she was convinced that her unbaptized child was dying.
"But," said the man, "why don't you have the child baptized?"
"Because I have no money, and the fee for baptism is one dollar," said the woman.
Whereupon the good Samaritan handed the woman a ten dollar bill, gave her his address so that she could bring back the change--which she did return--and went his way.
"That is one good deed," said a friend. "Now for the other two."
"Oh," observed the man of three good deeds, "they're all three in that one.
First, I relieved the sorrows of a weeping woman; second, I assured the child of eternal salvation; and third, I got rid of that counterfeit ten dollar bill I'd been carrying for more than a year."


The cemeteries are filled with people who thought the world couldn't get along without them.

14Dec08

MEN ONLY READ THIS

Out of ninety thousand women there will be eighty-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-four who will read this. The other six will be blind.



If a man still has his appendix and his tonsils, the chances are that he is a doctor.

13Dec08

"Is that a real diamond?"
"Well, very nearly."



Religion is insurance in this world against fire in the next, for which honesty is the best policy

12Dec08

Professor---"Now this plant belongs to the Begonia family."
Visitor---"Ah, yes, and you're looking after it for them while they're away on holiday?"



One great advantage of really being old is that one is beyond being told he is getting old.

11Dec08

A lecturer who was speaking on the drink question. "Now, supposing I had a pail of water and a pail of beer on this platform, and then brought on a donkey; which of the two whould he take?"
"He'd take the water," came a voice from the gallery.
"And why should he take the water?" asked the lecturer.
"Because he's an ass," came the reply.



Many of the girls of the younger set aren't as black as they are painted, or even as pink.

10Dec08

A man was tuning in on the radio, when he got a sudden twinge of pain in his back.
"I believe I'm getting lumbago!"
"What's the use," answered his wife, "You won't underastand a word they say."



We like a man that comes right out and says what he thinks, when he agrees with us.

09Dec08

Pastor---(looking up from hiws newspaper)--"I say, Jim, what is the Order of the Bath?"
Nestor(embracing the opportunity)--"Well, as I've experienced it, it's too cold; then you're short a towel; then you step on the soap, and, finally, the telephone bell rings!"



Why have Scotchmen a sense of humor? Because it's a gift.

8Dec08

"Once a friend of mine and I agreed that it would be helpful for each of us to tell the other all our faults."
"How did it work?"
"We haven't spoken for five years."



If evolution works, Nature will produce a pedestrian who can jump three ways at once.

07Dec08

Gushing Young Thing--"It was wonderful of you to drop ten thousand feet in a parachute. Do tell me your sensation."
Bored Aviator---"Oh-er-it was just a kind of sinking feeling."



The first coeducational institution was Eden.

06Dec08

Howell---"A good deal depends on the formation of early habits."
Powell---"I know it; when I was a baby my mother hired a woman to wheel me about, and I have been pushed for money ever since."



A Scotchman can drink any given amount.

05Dec08

A man who was criticized for not having a Bible in the house, excused himself by saying that there was not a word in the Bible that wasn't in his dictionary.



The wife who drives from the back seat isn't any worse than the husband who cooks from the dining-room table.

04Dec08

Brown---(proud of his lineage)--"If you can pop in tomorrow evening I'll show you my family tree."
Smith---"Sorry, but I've promised to look at Robinson's cabbages."



It was Mark Twain who wrote that while everyone talks about the weather, no one ever does anything about it.

03Dec08

The aviation instructor, having delivered a lecture on parachute work, concluded:
"And if it doesn't open--well, gentlemen, that's what is known as jumping to a conclusion."



It ain't the things you don't know what gets you into trouble; it's the things you know for sure what ain't so---Anonymous

02Dec08

Sir Walter Raleigh with a flourish, spreads his new cloak over the mud-puddle. Newsreel cameras click, and a man in the crowd faints.
"It' his tailor," whispers the jealous Essex to Queen Elizabeth. "Walt hasn't paid for that cloak."



He who goes to law for a sheep loses his cow---Spanish proverb.

01Dec08

She---"This is an ideal spot for a picnic."
He---"It must be. Fifty million insects can't be wrong."



There are only two good women in the world; one of them is dead and the other is not to be found---German Proverb

30Nov08

Old Aunt (despondently)-"Well, I shall not be a nuisance to you much longer."
Nephew (reassuringly)-""Don't talk like that, aunt; you know you will."



A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple---Danish Proverb

29Nov08

Fortune Teller---"You are about to be discovered by a big movie producer and will soon be a star."
Mamie---"But that's the same thing you told my friend Rosa."
Fortune Teller---"I can't help it. You girls won't be satisfied with anything less nowadays."



The goodness of gold is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men by the ordeal of women---Ancient Proverb

28Nov08

First Kangaroo---"Annabelle, where's the baby?"
Second Kangaroo--"My goodness, I've had my pocket picked



All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening--Alexander Woollcott

27Nov08
Years ago there was an old man who lived at the edge of the Grand Canyon, and who used to tell tourists that he had dug out the big cleft in the groundm, and had wheeled away the dirt in a wheelbarrow. He told the tale once to a young girl from the East.
"I don't believe it!" she said, indignantly.
"Why don't you believe it?" he asked.
"Well, you might have dug it out, as you say, and wheeled the dirt away in a wheelbarrow--but what did you do with the dirt?"



Women are made to be loved, not to be understood---Oscar Wilde

26Nov08
As the doorman ran down to open the limousine door, he tripped and rolled down the last four steps.
"For heaven's sake, be careful," cried the club manager, "they'll think you're a member."



As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter she is perfectly satisfied.---Oscar Wilde

25Nov08

Lecturer---"Of course you all know what the inside of a corpuscle is like."
Chairman---"Most of us do, but you'd better explain it for the benefit of them as have never been inside one."



A man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing---Oscar Wilde.

24Nov08

"If you join our lodge you will be buried with music."
"That's no inducement for me. I'm not a bit musical."



The old believe everything: mthe middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything.---Oscar Wilde

23Nov08

"How does that clock go that you won at the fair?"
"Fine--it does an hour in fifty minutes."



Marriage is the one subject on which all women agree and all men disagree---Oscar Wilde

22Nov08

Pretty Girl--"It must have taken a lot of courage to rescue me as you did."
Fireman---"Yeh, I had to knock down those other guys who wanted to do it."



As soon as people are old enough to know better, they don't know anything at all--Oscar Wilde

21Nov08

A speaker was lecturing on Forest Reserve. "I don't suppose," said he, "that there is a person in the house who has done a single thing to conserve our timber resources."
Silence ruled for several seconds and then a meek voice from the rear of the hall timidly retorted: "I once shot a woodpecker."



There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about---Oscar Wilde

20Nov08

The blacksmith was instructing a novice in the way to treat a horseshoe.
"I'll bring the shoe from the fire and lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, but he'll never hit a blacksmith again!



Crying is the refuge of plain women, but the ruin of pretty ones---Oscar Wilde

19Nv08

After having listened, at a Christmas dinner, to Jones' stale jokes, Smith said: "I say, Jones, the Christmas turkey is luckier than we are."
"In what way?"
"He isn't stuffed with chestnuts until after he is dead."



Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship us and are always bothering us to do something for them---Oscar Wilde

18Nov08

"Mr. Jones," began the timid-looking young man, "er-ah-that is, can -er-I-will you--"
"Why, yes, my boy, you may have her," smiled the girl's father.
The young man gasped.
"What's that? Have whom?" he asked.
"My daughter, of course," replied Jones. "That's what you mean. You want to marry her, don't you?"
"Why, no," said the young man. "I just wanted to know if you could lend me $25.00.
"Certainly not!" said Jones, sharply. "Why, I hardly know you."



Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.---Oscar Wilde

17Nov08

"I gave that man fifty cents for saving my life."
"What did he do?"
"Gave me back twenty cents change."



Fashions is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months---Oscar Wilde

16Nov08

"Bragson claims to have been born with a gold spoon in his mouth."
"If he was, I'll bet it had somebody else's initials on it."



Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing---Voltaire

15Nov08

On a rainy day recently a lady in a mink coat got on a Madison Avenue bus. "I don't suppose I've ridden on a bus in two years," she said to the conductor, a gloomy fellow, as she paid her fare. "I ride in my own car," she explained.
"You don't know how we've missed you," the conductor said.



Noise proves nothin. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid---Mark Twain

14Nov08

Bob---"Aren't you coming in swimming?"
Bertha---"I can't. A moth ate my bathing suit."
Bob--"The little rascal. He must have been on a diet."



Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education---Mark Twain

13Nov08

"There is talk that the next war will be fought with radio."
"Well, I'm in training. I've faced some terrible programs."



There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can---Mark Twain

12Nov08

Judge---"Too old! Why, I could give you twenty years."
Friend---"Well, I'm in training. I've faced some terrible programs."



Blessed be he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed---Swift