30Nov08

Old Aunt (despondently)-"Well, I shall not be a nuisance to you much longer."
Nephew (reassuringly)-""Don't talk like that, aunt; you know you will."



A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple---Danish Proverb

29Nov08

Fortune Teller---"You are about to be discovered by a big movie producer and will soon be a star."
Mamie---"But that's the same thing you told my friend Rosa."
Fortune Teller---"I can't help it. You girls won't be satisfied with anything less nowadays."



The goodness of gold is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men by the ordeal of women---Ancient Proverb

28Nov08

First Kangaroo---"Annabelle, where's the baby?"
Second Kangaroo--"My goodness, I've had my pocket picked



All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening--Alexander Woollcott

27Nov08
Years ago there was an old man who lived at the edge of the Grand Canyon, and who used to tell tourists that he had dug out the big cleft in the groundm, and had wheeled away the dirt in a wheelbarrow. He told the tale once to a young girl from the East.
"I don't believe it!" she said, indignantly.
"Why don't you believe it?" he asked.
"Well, you might have dug it out, as you say, and wheeled the dirt away in a wheelbarrow--but what did you do with the dirt?"



Women are made to be loved, not to be understood---Oscar Wilde

26Nov08
As the doorman ran down to open the limousine door, he tripped and rolled down the last four steps.
"For heaven's sake, be careful," cried the club manager, "they'll think you're a member."



As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter she is perfectly satisfied.---Oscar Wilde

25Nov08

Lecturer---"Of course you all know what the inside of a corpuscle is like."
Chairman---"Most of us do, but you'd better explain it for the benefit of them as have never been inside one."



A man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing---Oscar Wilde.

24Nov08

"If you join our lodge you will be buried with music."
"That's no inducement for me. I'm not a bit musical."



The old believe everything: mthe middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything.---Oscar Wilde

23Nov08

"How does that clock go that you won at the fair?"
"Fine--it does an hour in fifty minutes."



Marriage is the one subject on which all women agree and all men disagree---Oscar Wilde

22Nov08

Pretty Girl--"It must have taken a lot of courage to rescue me as you did."
Fireman---"Yeh, I had to knock down those other guys who wanted to do it."



As soon as people are old enough to know better, they don't know anything at all--Oscar Wilde

21Nov08

A speaker was lecturing on Forest Reserve. "I don't suppose," said he, "that there is a person in the house who has done a single thing to conserve our timber resources."
Silence ruled for several seconds and then a meek voice from the rear of the hall timidly retorted: "I once shot a woodpecker."



There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about---Oscar Wilde

20Nov08

The blacksmith was instructing a novice in the way to treat a horseshoe.
"I'll bring the shoe from the fire and lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, but he'll never hit a blacksmith again!



Crying is the refuge of plain women, but the ruin of pretty ones---Oscar Wilde

19Nv08

After having listened, at a Christmas dinner, to Jones' stale jokes, Smith said: "I say, Jones, the Christmas turkey is luckier than we are."
"In what way?"
"He isn't stuffed with chestnuts until after he is dead."



Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship us and are always bothering us to do something for them---Oscar Wilde

18Nov08

"Mr. Jones," began the timid-looking young man, "er-ah-that is, can -er-I-will you--"
"Why, yes, my boy, you may have her," smiled the girl's father.
The young man gasped.
"What's that? Have whom?" he asked.
"My daughter, of course," replied Jones. "That's what you mean. You want to marry her, don't you?"
"Why, no," said the young man. "I just wanted to know if you could lend me $25.00.
"Certainly not!" said Jones, sharply. "Why, I hardly know you."



Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.---Oscar Wilde

17Nov08

"I gave that man fifty cents for saving my life."
"What did he do?"
"Gave me back twenty cents change."



Fashions is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months---Oscar Wilde

16Nov08

"Bragson claims to have been born with a gold spoon in his mouth."
"If he was, I'll bet it had somebody else's initials on it."



Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing---Voltaire

15Nov08

On a rainy day recently a lady in a mink coat got on a Madison Avenue bus. "I don't suppose I've ridden on a bus in two years," she said to the conductor, a gloomy fellow, as she paid her fare. "I ride in my own car," she explained.
"You don't know how we've missed you," the conductor said.



Noise proves nothin. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid---Mark Twain

14Nov08

Bob---"Aren't you coming in swimming?"
Bertha---"I can't. A moth ate my bathing suit."
Bob--"The little rascal. He must have been on a diet."



Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education---Mark Twain

13Nov08

"There is talk that the next war will be fought with radio."
"Well, I'm in training. I've faced some terrible programs."



There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can---Mark Twain

12Nov08

Judge---"Too old! Why, I could give you twenty years."
Friend---"Well, I'm in training. I've faced some terrible programs."



Blessed be he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed---Swift

11Nov08

A hint, if properly managed, may be given without offending.
"Are you still bothered by those relatives of yours who come down from town to eat a big Sunday dinner and never invite you in return?"
"No," said the unfortunate victim, "they finally took the hint."
"What did you say to them?" asked Mrs. Smith eagerly.
"Nothing was said," explained the other, "but we served sponge cake every time they came."



Don't you know, as the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen---Sydney Smith

10Nov08

"Wife home from the mountains, Jim?"
"Just got back."
"Didn't she stay longer than usual?"
"Yes. Couldn't afford to leave there while there were so many servants to tip. She had to stay until most of them were gone."



An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable---George Bernard Shaw

09Nov08

A lady going from home for the day locked everything up well, and for the grocer's benefit wrote on a card: "All out. Dont leave anything." This she stuck on the door. On her return home, she found her shouse ransacked and all her choicest possessions gone. To the card on the door was added: "Thanks! We haven't left much."



Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same---George Bernard Shaw

08Nov08

"Lay down, pup, lay down," ordered the man. "Good doggie, lay down, I say."
"You'll have to say "lie down,' Mister," declared a small bystander. "That's a Boston terrier."



First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity---George Bernard Shaw

07Nov08

The quack was selling an elixir which he declared would make men live to a great age.
"Look at me," he shouted. "Hale and hearty, I'm over 300 years old."
"Is he really as old as that?" asked a listener of the youthful assistant.
"I can't say," replied the assistant. "I've only worked for him for 100 years."



A pessimist? A man who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it---George Bernard Shaw

06Nov08

Downstairs---"Didn't you hear me pounding on the ceiling?"
Upstairs---"Oh, that's all right/ We were making a lot of noise ourselves."



Beware of the man who does not return your blow; he neither forgives you nor allows you to forgive yourself---George Bernard Shaw

05Nov08

"Where is that beautiful canary bird of yours that used to sing so clearly and sweetly?"
"I had to sell him. My son left the cage on the radio set and he learned static."



In Heaven an angel is nobody in particular---George Bernard Shaw

04Nov08

Soon after a society woman obtained a cat from the Humane Society she telephoned back to say they would not keep it. "I'm awfully sorry," she said, "It's a dear, and we are fond of it, but the cat is a bird killer, and we just can't have a bird killer.
"Im sure my husband would be glad to make a contribution to the Humane Society for your trouble in taking the cat back," she added, "but he is up north shooting deer."



Titles distinguish the mediocre, embarrass the superior, and are disgraced by the inferior---George Bernard Shaw.

03Nov08

"Do Englishmen understand American slang?"
"Some of them do, Why?"
"My daughter is to be married in London, and the earl has cabled me to come across."



Do not love your neighbor as yourself. If you are on good terms with yourself it is an impertinence; if on bad, an injury.---George Bernard Shaw

02Nov08

The Bore---"I passed by your place yesterday."
The Bored---"Thanks, awfully!"



The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe any one else---George Bernard Shaw

01Nov08

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" asked Mrs. Jones.
"Over to Bill Brown's house," said Mr. Jones. "He has just telephoned to ask if I could lend him a corkscrew, and I'm taking it myself."
"Couldn't you send it?"
Mrs. Jones," said Mr. Jones, in cutting tones, "the question yhou asked me shows why most women are unfit to lead armies and make quick decisions in business deals involving millions. When the psychological moment arrives they don't know what to do with it.



Take care to get what you like, or you will end by liking what you get---George Berbard Shaw