29Jul09

Artist---"This is my latest picture. It's called 'Builders at Work.' It's very realistic."
Friend---"But they really aren't at work."
Artist---"Of course---that's the realism."

1921, Hitler becomes leader of the National Socialist Party.

1948, Opening of the XIV Summer Olympic Gammes in London.

1953, Heddy Lee, bassist and vocals for Rush, is born.



Quote for the day:
The man who doesn't believe that women are hard losers never knew one who was trying to reduce.

28Jul09

First Artist---"Well, old man, how's business?"
Second Artist---"Oh, splendid! Got a commission this morning from a millionaire. Wants his children painted very badly."
First Artist--- (pleasantly)---"Well, my boy, you are the very man for the job.

1907, Ccout movement founded by Robert Baden-Powell.

1914, The Austria-Serbia war starts World War I.

1933-All non-German books are burned in Germany.

1984, Opening of the XXIII Summer Olympic Games in Los Angeles.



Quote for the day:
She's such a gold-digger she even purses her lips when she kisses you.

27Jul09

Struggling Artist (being dunned for rent and endeavoring to put a bold frong on things)---"Let me tell you tghis--in a few years' time people will look up at this miserable studio and say 'Cobalt the artist, used to work there'!"
Landlord---"If you dont't pay your rent by tonight, they'll be able to say it tomorrow!"

2953, US and North Korea sign armistice at Panmunjon. The 38th parallel is established as boundary between North and South Korea.

1996, Olympic Park in Atlanta bombed.



Quote for the day:
A word of advice: Don't give it.

26Jul09

Critic---"The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon?"
Artist---"Oh, the horse will draw that."

1922, Highest temperature ever measured on Earth is recorded at el Azizia, Libya: 136 degrees Fahrenheit (58 degrees Celcius)-in the shade.

1928, Stanley Kubrick is born.

1941, Roosevelt freezes Japanese assets in United States and suspens relations.

1943, Mussolini arrested and Fascist government falls; Marshall Pietro Badoglio takes over and negotiates with Allies.



Quote for the day:
A word to the wife is never sufficient.

25Jul09

"Is your dog intelligent?"
"Very. When I say to him, "Come here or don't come here, just as you please,' he comes or he doesn't come, as he pleases."

1952, First television program from Radio-Canada Regular programs start on September 1952.

1978, First test-tube baby born.

1992, Opening of the XXV Summer Olympic Games in Barcelona, Spain.



Quote for the day:
The old-time woman who saved her wedding dress for her daughter now has a daughter who savers her own wedding dress for her next wedding!

24Jul09

"Did you ever hear from the $10 our neighbor Jones borrowed from you?"
"Every night. He used the money for a down payment on a redio set!"

1940, Germans take Alsace-Lorraine.

1967, During an official visit to Canada, Charles De Gaulle declares "Vive Le Quebec Libre!" from the balcony of Montreal's City Hall



Quote for the day:
A crusty old b achelor says he thinks it is a woman, and not her wrongs, that ought to be redressed.

23Jul09

St. Peter---"And here is your golden harp."
Newly Arrived American---"How much is the first payment?"

1940, Soviets take Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia.

1988, An Internet virus crashes more than 6,000 army computers.



Quote for the day:
Five secrets of happiness: Money, Money, Money, Money, Money.

22Jul09

"I've got a new idea. Fortune in it."
"What now?"
It's an alarm clock that emits the delicious odors of frying bacon and fragrant coffee."

1965, Cary Grant (4th marriage) weds Dyan Cannon.

1998, Mercury and Apollo astronaut Alan B. Shepard Jr., the first AQmerican to travel in space died early July 22 at age 74. Shepard first reached space space on the suborbital flight of Freedom 7 in 1961. He became the fifth human to walk on the Moon whe he commanded the Apollo 14 mission.



Quote for the day:
The course of two loves never does run smooth.

21Jul09

Reformer (to prostrated man---"And so this is the work of rum, is it?"
Prostrated man---"No, sir; this is the work of a banana-skin, sir."

1947, Dutch De Haas, during his work with superconductivity, reached with adiabatic demagnetization record temperature of 0,0023 K.

1952, Robin Williams is born.

1971, Belgian Eddy Merckx wins the Tour de France for the fifth time.



Quote for the day:
MY only regret is that I have but one wife to send to the country.

20Jul09

"Here comes the parade, and your Aunt Helen will miss it. Where is she?"
"She's upstairs waving her hair."
"Mercy! Can't we afford a flag?"

1903, Pope Leo XIII dies. He is replaced by Pius X.

1923, Mexican rebel leader Pancho Villa is assassinated in Parral Mexico.

1938, Natalie Wood is born.

1943, Martin Faust dies.

1944, German assassination attempt on Hitler fails.

1973, Bruce Lee dies.



Quote for the day:
Never run after a street-car or a woman; another will be along presently.

19Jul09

A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:
"Guess who sent them."
The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They duly attended the theater, and had a delightful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets.
"Now you know!"

1900, Opening of Paris' first subway Engineer Fulgence Bienvenue supervised the construction.

1943, Allies bomb Rome.

1952, Opening of the XV Summer Olympic Games in Helsinki, Finland.

1980, Opening of the XXII Summer Olympic Games in Moscow.



Quote for the day:
The question is not where civilization began, but when will it.

18Jul09

The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman of about the same age who had offered her his seat in the car.
"Why should you be so kind to me? she asked.
"My dear madam, because I myself have a mother and wife and a daughter."

1925, First comprehensive art deco fair opens in Paris. The very term comes from the name of the fair, the Exposition internationale des arts decoratifs et industreils modernes. From clothes, jewelry, furniture, art and more, the event showcased an emerging new design style, that would have a major impact especially in architecture.

1925, Hitler's Mein Kampf is published. It is a theoretical guideline to Nazism.



Quote for the day:
Artist' models make only a bare living.

17Jul09

"More than 5000 elephants go each year to make our piano keys."
"Really? Well, it's remarkable what those beasts can be trained to do."

1947, British Parliament vote the independence of India.

1986, Irangate scandal: US sell weapons to Iran in spite of the embargo in effect.



Quote for the day:
The oyster is not the only one who has a crab for a mate.

16Jul09

A man boasted of having eaten forty-nine boiled eggs
"Why did you not eat one more and make it fifty?" asked one of his listeners.
"Humph, do you want a man to make a hog of himself just for one egg?"

1911, Ginger Rogers is born

1921, Cocaine becomes one of the first social evils of this century.

1945, First US atomic bomb tested in New Mexico; Potsdam Conference begins.

1950, 4th Soccer World Cup, in Brazil: Uruguay wins for the second time.

1953, Mickey Rourke is born.



Quote for the day:
The modern woman doesn't want a man who can satisfy he smallest wish; what she wants is one who can attend to the larger ones.

15Jul09

She---"Where did you get that umbrella?"
He---"It was a gift from sister."
She---"You told me you hadn't any sisters."
He---"I now-but that's what's engraved on the handle."

1947, British Parliament vote the endependence of India.

1986, Irangate scandal: US sell weapons to Iran in spite of the embargo in effect.



Quote for the day:
Most holiday dinner repartee comes under the head of chestnut dressing.

14Jul09

"Come, come, come," said one who was wide-awake to one who was fast asleep, Get up, get up; don't you know it's the early bird that catches the worm?"
"Serves the worm right," said the grumbling sleeper; "worms shouldn't get up before the birds do."

1918, Ingmar Bergen is born.

1956, In Liverpool, England, John Lennon forms the Quarrymen, which will become the Beatles.

1966, Brigitte Bardot (3rd marriage) weds Gunther Sachs.



Quote for the day:
People wouldn't get divorced for such trivial reasons if they didn't get married for such trivial reasons.

13Jul09

A famous man once arrived in a big city and it is said that he was kissed by two thousand girls in two hours. When queried upon the matter, he commented somewhat mischievously: I'd much rather have had my pick of the two thousand girls and kissed her alone for two hours."

1952,Elizabeth II becomes Queen of England.

1985, British team of scientists finds a hole in the ozone layer.



Quote for the day:
One can get about everything on credit nowadays excepting money.

12Jul09

"What did the Puritans come to this country for?" asked a Massachusetts teacher of a class in American history.
"To worship in their own way, and make other people do the same." was the reply.

1915, Yul Brynner is born.

1932, French writer Louis Ferdinand Celine publishes Voyage aubout de la nuit.

1937, Bill Cosby is born.

1998, 16th Soccer World Cup and last of the century in France: on its hometurf, France wins for the first time.



Quote for the day:
In telling her age a woman is often shy-in more ways than one.

11Jul09

"I have an awfully hard time catching people's names when I'm introduced," said one.
"So do I," said the other, "but I found a clever way to get around the awkwardness of asking to have the name reeated. I just ask, "Do you spell your name with an e or an i?" It usually works splendidly."
"I know. I heard about that before. It worked with me, too, until once I met a girl I wanted to know better. Now she won't even look at me."
"Why is that?"
"Well, when I was introduced to her, I didn't catch her name, so I asked whether she spelled it with an e or an i."
"What was her name?"
"Hill."

1949, USSR's first atonmic bomb tested.

1955, Clark Gable (5th marriage) weds Kay Spreckles.

1982, 12th Soccer World Cup, in Spain: Italy wins for the third time.

1989, Laurence Olivier dies.

1991, A chartered Canadian DC-8 (Nationair) crashes during an emergency landing at Jeddah, after leaving minutes earlier, taking Nigerian pilgrims home from Mecca.



Quote for the day:
Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and others thrust greatness upon themselves.

10Jul09

Two old sailors were sitting in what evidently had been their favorite barroom. The old place had been completely modernized and refurnished. Both old tars fell to reminiscing on the good old days, Said one old salt:
"I suppose it's all right, Bill, these new-fashioned trappings, but I miss the old spittoon."
"Yes," answered the other, "you always did, Jim."

1937, Ingrid Bergman weds Dr. Petter Lindstrom.

1940, Battle of Britain begins.

1943, Brtitons and Americans land in Sicily (Operation Husky) The island represents the first step towards reconquering Eastern Europe.

1987, According to statistics, the fifth billion citizen of the earth is born today.



Quote for the day:
One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year's resolution.

09Jul09

"That is Black Mountain?"
"Yes Sir---highest mountain about Lake George."
"Any story or legend connected with that mountain?"
"Lots of 'em. Two lovers once went up that mountain, and never came back agein."
"Indeed! Why, what became of them?"
"Went down on the other side."

1902, A patent describing how to obtain barbituric acid, later used to create soporifics, has been filed in Germany.

1922, Johnny Weissmuller is first to break the one minute mark in the 100-meter swim.

1928, In Hunan, China the Red Army is created. It is one of the largest armies throughout history.

1947, OJ Simpson is born.



Quote for the day:
Most husbands are generous to a fault-if the faults their own.

08Jul09

Liberal Young Man --- "I see there's some talk in this state upon the question of abolishing capital punishment. Would you vote to abolish it?"
Old Stuffed Shire---"I wouldnot, Capital punishment was good enough for my ancestors, and it's good enough for me!"

1933 Mary Feldman is born

1942 Cary Grant (2nd marrisge) weds Barbara Hutton

1969 Richard Nixon announces the first withdrawal of American troops in Vietnam.

1990 14th Soccer World Cup in Italy: Germany wins for the third time.

1974 In Canada, Pierre Elliott Trudeau (Liberal) is elected Prime Minister for the third time.



Quote for the day: Polygamy would never work in this country. Think of six wives in a kitchenette!

07Jul09

"If you are tired of dancing, let us sit down and have a little tete-a-tete."
"No, thank you. After such a big supper I really couldn't eat a thing."

1904 Emiles Combes, Chairman of the Board, proscribes the teaching of religion in France.

1946 Jimmy Carter weds Rosalynn Smith.

1974 10th Soccer World Cup in Germany: On their hometurf, the Germans win for the second time.

1981 Israeli fighter planes destroy an Iraqi nuclear reactor.



Quote for the day:
What man wants--all he can get. What woman wants--all she can't get.

06Jul09

"I'm glad to find you as you are." said the old friend. "Your great wealth hasn't changed you."
"Well," replied the candid millionaire, "it has changed me in one thing. I'm now eccentric' where I used to be impolite, and 'delightfull witty' when I used to be rude."

1928 Ravel's Bolero is played for the first time.

1946 Sylvester Stallone is born.

1971 Louis Armstrong, King of jazz, dies at 71

1979 General Anastasio Somoza Debayle escapes from Nicaragua racked by civil war.



Quote for the day: There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are comfortable.

05Jul09

An Englishman was being shown the sights along the Potomac. "Here," remarked the American, "is where George Washington threw a dollar across the river."
"Well," replied the Englishman, "that is not very remarkable, for a dollar went much further in those days than it does now."
The American would not be worsted, so after a short pause, he said" "But Washington accomplished a greater feat than that. He once chucked a sovereign across the Atlantic."



1928 Women's events are featured for the first time at the Amsterdam Summer Olympic games.

1932 Doctor Salazar, in Portugal, become President after ex-president Carmona grants him full powers.

1962 After 7 years of war against French colonists, Algeria wins its independence.

1968 Robert F. Kennedy is murdered in Los Angeles.



Quote for the day:
A man has less courage than a woman. Try to imagine one with twelve cents in his pocket trying on seven suits of clothes.

04Jul09

"I heard your daughter speaks Esperanto. Does she speak it fluently?"
"Just like a native."

1900 Trumpeter Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong, jazz pioneer is born.

1927 Gina Lollobrigida is born

1939 Sacha Guitry (2nd marriage) weds Genevieve de Sereville.

1940 French Vichy government breaks off relations with Britain

1954 5th Soccer World Cup in Switzerland: Brazil wins for the firts time.



Quote for the day:
When a bunch of girls get togetherk, the Lord pity the first one who leaves.

03Jul09

Uncle and niece stood watching the young people dance about them.
"I'll bet you never saw any dancing like that back in the nineties, eh, uncle?"
"Once---but the place was raided!"



1940, The French fleet scuttles its own ships in Mers el-Kebir to keep the Germans from capturing them.

1962, Tom Cruise is born



Quote for the day:
The secret of success in writing is hitting the right keys on the typewriter.

02Jul09

"So you really think your-memory is improving under treatment. You remember things now?"
"Well, not exactly, but I have progressed so far that I can frequently remember that I have forgotten something, if I could only remember what it is."



Quote for the day:
The old songs are best because nobody sings them any more.

01Jul09

Medium---"I see a great loss--the loss of your husband."
Minnie---"But he has been dead five years."
Medium---"Then you will lose your umbrella."



Quote for the day:
The man who is always asking for a loan is always left alone.

30Jun09

Hewitt---"You don't seem to think much of him."
Jewitt---"If he had his conscience taken out it would be a minor operation."



Quote for the day:
Some of the congressional investigators would look for bones in animal crackers.

29Jun09

A man threw a nickel towards the blind man's cup. The coin missed and rolled along the pavemnent, but the man with the dark glasses quickly recovered it.
"But I thought you were blind?"
"No, I am not the regular blind man, sir," he said, "I'm just taking his place while he's at the movies."



Quote for the day:
A bird in the hand is bad table manners.

28Jun09

He was genuinely enthusiastic about the virtues of temperance, but his face made people doubt him.
Toward the close of his lecture, he squared his shoulders, held his rather large head erect, and said: "I have lived in this town all my life. In this town there are fifty-five public houses, and I am proud to say that I never been in one of them!"
Then came a voice from the back: "Which one is that?"



Quote for the day:
It's easy to pick out the best people. They'll help you do it.

27Jun09

"A fine youngster," said the elderly man to the young mother, sitting opposite him on the train. "I hope you will bring him up to be an upright and conscientious man."
"Yes," smiled the fond mother, "but I'm afraid it's going to be a bit difficult, as------"
"Oh, nonsense," continued the adviser: "as the twig is bent so is the tree inclined."
"I know it," agreed the mother; "but this twig is bent on being a girl, and we are inclined to let it go at that."



Quote for the day:
It is a known fact that a man with a college diploma and ten cents can get a cup of coffee anywhere.

26Jun09

"Can you tell me how to get to Adams Street?"
"What's that, stranger? I'm a little deaf."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said I'm a little deaf, I didn't hear you"
"You don't say! I'm deaf too."
"Thats's too bad! Now, what was it you wanted?"
"Can you tell me how to get to Adams Street?"
"Sure, You go down this way for four blocks and then turn to your right. It's the third street down."
"That's Adams Street, is it?"
"Oh! No, Excuse me, old man. I thought you said Adams Street."
"No, I said Adams Street."
"Never heard of it. Sorry, stranger."



Quote for the day:
The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way." in now revised to "When there's a bill we're away."

25Jun09

First Southerner---"Were you in New York long enough to feel at home?"
Second Southerner---"Yes, sir; why, I got so I could keep my seat in the cars with a lady standing and not even think about it."



Quote for the day:
When better predictions are made sports writers wont make them.














25

24Jun09

"Major, I see two cocktails carried to your room every morning, as if you had some one to drink with."
"Yes, sir; one cocktail makes me feel like another man; and, of course,k I'm bound to treat the other man."



Quote for the day:
A French author says: "When I lost my wife,m every family in town offered me another; but when I lost my horse, no one offered to make him good."

23Jun09

Mrs.Newrich---"I want yhou to teach my son a foreign language."
Professor---"Certainly, madam, French, German, Italian, Spanish---?"
Mrs. Newrich---"Which is the most foreign?"



Quote for the day:
In some respects the idea of finger printing children seems to ba a good one. At least it will settle the question as to who used the guest towel in the bathroom.

22Jun09

The prim old lady was given the first glass of beer she ever had. Afte sipping it for a moment she looked up with a puzzled air.
"How odd!" she murmured. "It tastes just like the medicine my husband has been taking for the last twenty years."



Quote for the day:
Our unfortunate experience is that a day off is generally followed by an off day.

21Jun09

"Friend," said one immigrant to another. "America is a grand country to settle in. They don't hang you here for murder.
"What do they do to you?" the other immigrant asked.
"They kill you," was the reply, "with elocution."



Quote for the day:
Every woman believes there are two sides of every question---her side and the wrong side.

20Jun09

A newly-married couple were entertaining and among the guests was one whose conduct was rather flippant. At supper he held up on his fork a piece of meat which had been served him, and in a vein of intended humor, remarked, "Is this pig?"
"To which end of the fork do you refer?" asked a quiet-looking man sitting at the other end of the table.



Quote for the day:
Children have become so expensive that only the poor can afford them.

19Jun09

A man walked into a pool parlor and said: "I will give a dollar to the laziest man here."
Man lying on billiard table: "Roll me over, buddy and stick it in my back pocket."



Quote for the day:
Still if nobody dropped out at the eighth grade, who would be ready to hire the college graduates.

18Jun09

"Purely by accident, I have made one of the greatest discoveries," said the scientist.
"May I ask what it was?"
"I found," said the scientist, "that by keeping a bottle of ink handy you can use a fountain pen just like any other pen-without all the trouble of filling it."



Quote for the day:
A telephone pole never hits an automobile except in self-defense.

17Jun09

"Animals do not know what it is to be superstitious," declares a clergyman. But we have yet to hear of a mouse that will pass a black cat on a Friday.



Quote for the day:
Every cosmetic dealer knows that woman's face is his fortune.

16Jun09

A young man wise beyound his years paused before answering a widow who had asked him to guess her age.
"You must have some idea." she said.
"I have several ideas." said tghe young man, with a smile. "The only trouble is that I hesitate whether to make you years younger on account of your looks, or ten years older on account of your intelligence."



Quote for the day:
What every wife wants to know: how the other half lives.

15Jun09

Smith---"You mustn't take offense if I speak to you about something I have had on my mind for some time, just a little habit of yours."
Jones---"Certainly not."
Smith---"Nobody has ever had the nerve to tell you before. And you are such a splendid noble fellow."
Jones---"Yes, yes."
Smith---"You're one of those fellows who never really know what is being said to them; you're always pursuing some train of thought. Anyone can tell half the time you are not listening by the far-away look in your eyes. You've offended a lot of people. Of course, it's terribly rude---only you don't know it. You mustn't any more, old chap (putting his hand on Jones's shoulder). Promise me you'll quit.
Jones---(obliged to face him)---"Just what were you saying?"



Quote for the day:
It usually takes five years for a tree to produce nuts, but this isn't true of a family tree.

14Jun09

A lady traveling through California for the first time saw a fig tree. She said to the guide, "My good man, what kind of a tree is that?"
"Lady, that is a fig tree."
"Oh, no, it can't be a fig tree," she said.
"Yes ma'am, that's a fig tree."
"Oh," said the lady, "I thought the leaves were larger that that."



Quote for the day:
A thing of beauty is a joy until it goes bathing.

13Jun09

They had just turned the corner from one of the most beautiful of steep valleys.
She exclaimed: "What a beautiful gorge that was!"
"Yes, it wasn't bad," he replied, his mind flashing back, unromantically, to the restaurant in the hollow, "but I could have done with a bit more apple pie."



Quote for the day:
The time is approaching when the number of divorces will equal the number of marriages. Love is evidently finding a way---out.

12Jun09

"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards," said the frivolous man. "Can you think of another?"
The serious man scowled. "Tut-tut!" he cried contemptuously.
And they rode on in silence.



Quote for the day:
About all that is necessary for a divorce nowadays is a wedding.

11Jun09

He----"Going to have dinner anywhere tonight?"
She (eagerly)----"Why, no, not that I know of."
He----"Gee, you'll be awfully hungry by morning!"



Quote for the day:
The disheartening thing about the average diet regime is it does so much for the will power and so little for the waist line.

10Jun09

"What is it about a dachshund that you don't care for?"
"They make such a draft when they come into a room. They always keep the door open so long."



Quote for the day:
If you wish to have a short winter, have your note come due in the spring.