31Aug09

There was a wealthy amateur who prided himself on his skill in landscape painting, although his canvases were really little more than daubs.
Once he invited a couple of critics to look at his pictures. One of the visitors paused in front of the pictures. "Here's one you ought to call 'Home'," he said.
"Why?" asked the painter.
"Because there's no place like it," said the critic.

1928, James Coburn is born.

1997, Princess Diana dies in a tragic car accident in Paris.

Quote for the day:
Women take to good hearted men. Also from.

30Aug09

A painter of the "impressionist" school is now confined in a lunatic asylum. To all persons who visit hem he says, "Look here; this is the latest masterpiece of my composition." They look, and see nothing but an expanse of bare canvas. They ask, "What does that represent?"
"That? Why that represents the passage of the Jews through the Red Sea"
"Beg pardon, but where is the sea?"
"It has been driven back."
"And where are the Jesw?"
"They have crossed over."
"And the Egyptians?"
"Will be here soon. That's the sort of painting I like; simple, suggestive, and unpretentious."

1927, Premier of the renown movies, Sunrise, by German director F.W. Murnau.

1963, The White House and the Kremlin establish the Hot Line consisting of a direct contact between the two capitals.

1972, Cameron Diaz is born.

Quote for the day:
A kiss is a peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet absolute bliss to two. T small boy gets it for nothing, the young man has to lie for it, and the old man has to buy it; the baby's right, the lover's privilege, and the hypocrites mark. To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; and to an old maid, charity.

29Aug09

An artist famous for painting animals was motoring through Iowa, when he saw a very animated looking bull. Thinking he would like to take him on canvas, he got permission of the owner. In due time he produced an excellent likeness of the bull, which he sold for five hundred dollars. On seeing the farmer a year later, he told him he had sold the picture of his bull for five hundred dollars.
"Good Lord!" exclaimed the old farmer, "why I would have sold two real bulls for less than that one imitation of yours.

1915, Ingrid Bergman is born.

1949, Richard Gere is born.

1958, Michael Jackson is born.

1982, Ingrid Bergman dies.

Quote for the day:
Life is just one fool thing after another; love is just two fool things after each other.

28Aug09

A well-known Royal Academician who noticed a drawing of a fish by a pavement-artist asked the man what sort of fish it was supposed to be.
"A shark, sir!"
"But you've never seen a shark," said the RA
"That's true sir," the man agreed: "but, then, don't some of those Academy chaps paint angels?"

1949, Soviets detonate their first atom bomb.

1963, Martin Luther King reads his famous speech I Have A Dream.

1972, Mark Spitz-US swimmer, 1st athlete to win 7 Olympic gold medals.

Quote for the day.
Before marriage a man yearns for a woman, After marriage the "y" is silent.

27Aug09

Art Editor---"Now, what we need for our next magazine cover is a girl wearing one of those religious gowns."
Artist---"What do you mean, a religious gown?"
Art Editor---"Oh, you know, one of these lo and behold."

1928, The Briand-Kellogg peace pact a universal renunciation of war-is signed by 65 nations, including the United States, in Paris

1990, Gorbatchev receives the Nobel Peace Prize for his reforms in the USSR.

Quote for the day:
The chemical constituents of a man are said to be worth 98 cents. Ppssibly it is that price which causes some woman to run after them.

26Aug09

Artist---"Whatever success I have had, I owe it all to the telephone.'
Friend---"How's that!"
Artist---"Well, while I was waiting for them to give me the right number I practiced drawing on a pad."

1920, Womens' Suffrage victorius. The 19th Amendment to the US Constitution adopted (it was ratified on Aug. 19), allowing women the right to vote.

1972, Opening of the XX Summer Olympic Games in Munich. These Games will witness the Assassination of 11 Israeli athletes (September 4) by a Palestinian terrorist Commando.

1980, Tex Avery dies.

Quote for the day:
A lawyer says that a dangerous year in married life is the first. Then follows the second, third, fourth, fifth and so on.

25Aug08

"Why did they hang that picture?"
"Perhaps they couldn't find the artist."

1900, German philosopher Friedrich Nietsche dies in Weimar.

1930, Sean Connery is born.

1944, Liberation of Paris.

1960. Opening of the XVII Summer Olympic Games in Rome.

1975, Premiere of the movie Jaws by Steven Spielberg.

Quote for the day:
One marriage in every six ends in divorce, but the other five couples fight it out to the bitter end.

24Aug09

"Do you make life-size enlargements of snapshots?"
"That's our specialty."
"Fine, here's a picture I took of the Grand Canyon."

1922, Albert Einstein receives the Nobel Prize for Physics.

1950, Antihistamines are used against the cold for the first time.

1989, In Columbia narcotics dealers declare "total war" on authorities.

1995, Windows 95 is released.

Quote for the day:
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

23Aug09

Peck---"Do you think you can make a good portrait of my wife?"
Artist---"My friend, I can make it so lifelike you'll jump every time you see it."

1926, Rudolph Valention, The Sheik cinema heart-throb and tabloid fave, dies of a perforated ulcer at age 31.

1927, Immigrant anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti executed, In 1920, paymaster and his guard were carrying a factory payroll of $15,776. Two men standing by a fence suddenly pulled out guns and fired on them. Two Italians, N. Sacco and B.Vanzetti, fell into a police trap that had been set for a suspect in the Braintree crime, and would become one of the legendary political cases of the 20th century in the US.

Quote for the day:
Don't take too much interest in the affairs of your neighbors. Six per cent will do.

22Aug09

Whistler once undertook to get a fellow artist's work into the autumn salon. He succeeded, and the picture was hung. But the painter, going to see his masterpiece with Whistler on varnishing day, uttered an exclamation of dismay.
"Good Heavens!" he cried, "you're exhibiting my picture upside down."
"Hush!" said Whistler. "The committee refused it the other way."

1905, German physicist Albert Einstein publishes his theory of relativity in the Annals of Physics and thus revolutionizes modern science.

1911, The Mona Lisa is stolen from the Louvre where it had been housed since 1804.

1949, Publication of George Orwell's novel 1984.

1973, Henry Kissinger, 1st Jewish US Secretary of State. He was also the 1st naturalized citizen to hold this office.

Quote for the day:
If you are in doubt whether to kiss a pretty girl, give her the benefit of the doubt.

21Aug09

Visitor (to butler who is showing him through the picture gallery)---"That's a fine portrait! Is it an old master?"
Butler---"No, that's the old missus."

1944, Wernher von Braun develops the V-2 rocket; the first Jet plane becomes operational.

1950, In his encyclical Humani Generis, Pie XII warns Christians against certain philosophical doctrines, especially existentialism.

1959, Hawaii becomes the 50th State.

Quote for the day:
What the girls say--A thing of beauty is a boy forever.

20Aug09

Father---+This is the sunset my daughter painted. She studied painting abroad, you know."
Friend---"Ah, that accounts for it! I never saw a sunset like that in this country."

1905, Sunday becomes a mandatory day of rest in Belgium.

1929, BBC broadcasts first transmission of inventory J.C. Baird's 30-line color television.

1940, Leon Trotsky, founder of the Red Army, is assassinated in Mexico by a "friend".

1968, The Red Army invades Czechoslovakia to kill off the 'Prague Spring'.

Quote for the day:
A woman is never thoroughly interested in a newspaper article until she reaches the place where the balance is torn off.

19Aug09

"Have you seen how Slaminoff, the critic, has massacred my last painting?"
"Don't mind him-he just repeats, like a parrot, what everone else is saying."

1934, Adolf Hitler becomes Fuhrer of Germany.

1942, 1,000 Canadian and British soldiers killed raiding Dieppe, France.

1944, General insurrectrion of Paris upon orders by the Conseil national de la resistance. De Gaulle is inaugurated on the 25, day of the capital's liberation by the Leclerc division.

1946, Willim Jefferson Clintgon is born in Hope, Arkansas.

Quote for the day:
Dollars and sense do not necessarily travel together.

18Aug09

Niece(in the picture gallery)---"Aunt Sarah, this is the famous 'Angelus,' by Millet."
Aunt Sarah---"Well, I never! That man had the nerve to copy the calendar that has hung in our kitchen for a dozen years or more."

1933, Roman Polanski is born.

1937, Robert Redford is born.

1952, Patrick Swayze is born.

1991, Unsuccessful coup in the USSR marking the beginning of the end of communism and of Mikhail Gorbatchev, who is replaced by Boris Eltsine.

Quote for the day:
Whiskey is about the only enemy man has succeeded in really loving.

17Aug09

Cubist---"The gentleman, whose portrait this is, has come and asked me to alter his nose a little."
Friend---"And that makes you cross?"
Cubist---"No, but I can't remember where I put the nose."

1942, First all American air attack in Europe.

1943, Robert De Niro is born.

1960, Sean Penn is born.

Quote for the day:
Many men who refuse to believe in Santa Claus are convinced they can beat Wall Street.

16Aug09

"And this, I suppose, is one of those hideous caricatures you call modern art."
"Nope, that's just a mirror."

1941, Premiere of the cinematic masterpiece Citizen Kane, probably the world's most famous and highly-rated films, with its many remarkable scenes, cinematic and narrative techniques and innovations. Its director, star, and producer were all the same individual-Orson Wells (in his film debut at age 25!)

1948, Babe Ruth dies.

1954, James Cameron is bord.

1977, Elvis Presley dies.

Quote for the day:
The little boy who hides behind his mother's skirt has to get his high chair to do it.

15Aug09

Guest---"That's an artistic rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"
Host---"Two thousand dollars. Two hundred for it and the rest for furniture to match."

1914, Inauguration of the Panama Canal.

1944, The Allies land in Provence. The goal is to meet up with the troops that have landed in Normandy.

1945, VJ (Victory over Japan) Day.

1947, First atomic battery is used (Gleep) in Harwell.

1947, Jawaharlal Nehru becomes the first Prime Minister of Independent India.

Quote for the day:
June is the month of weddings and cooing. The billing follows.

14Aug09

Mr. Babbitt (looking at a well-known picture)--"Van Dyke, by Himself.' What a silly thing to put there; anyone could see that there is no one with him."

1943, Quebec Conference between Winston Churchill and Franklin Roosevelt (with Makenzie King's participation). Discussing the war between Germany and Japan, the two main chiefs of the Allies emphasize the importance of the Landing in Normandy, referred to as Operation Overlord, and agree on accelerating preparations. To alleviate pressure from Germany on the Soviet Union, they also decide to land on the Italian peninsula to force Italy to capitulate unconditionally. Upon meeting Mackenzie King has a secret plan in his possession.

Quote for the day:
An Englishman walks into a restaurant as if he owned it. An American walks inas if he didn't care a damn who owned it.

13Aug09

Critic---"By George, old chap, when I look at one of your paintings I stand and wonder---"
Artist---"How I do it?"
Critic---"No; why you do it."

1899, Alfred Hitchcock is born.

1926, Renowned Cuban revolutionary Fidel Castro is born.

1961, Building of the Berlin Wall.

Quote for the day:
When Grandma was a girl she didn't do the things the girls do today. But then the Grandmas didn't do the things the Grandmas do today.

12Aug09

The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows:

Corredcted and renewed the Ten Commandments............6.00
Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new
ribbon on his bonnet..................................3.06
Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter
and mended his bill...................................4.08
Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and
straightened his eye..................................2.06
Replumed and gilded the left wing of the
Guardian Angel........................................5.06
Washed the servant of the High Priest and
put carmine on his cheeks.............................2.04
Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded
the sun and cleaned the moon..........................8.02
Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail
on the devil, mended hes left hoof and did
several odd jobs for the damned.......................4.10
Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias
and dressing on his sack..............................2.00
Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted
his wig...............................................3.07
Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass and shod him..........2.08
Put earrimgs in the ears of Sarah......................5.00
Put a new stone in David,s sling, enlarged
Goliath's hand and extended his legs..................2.00
Decorated Noah's Ark...................................1.20
Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and
cleaned the pigs......................................1.00
________
53.83

1941, Roosevelt and Churchill sign Atlantic Charter.

1942, Stalin and Churchill meet in Moscow.

1982, Henry Fonda dies.

1985, A Japan Air Lines Boeing 747 crashwes into Mount Osutaka, killing all but four of the 524 aboard.

1988, National Geographic celebrates its 100th birthday.

Quote for the day:
When a woman says, "You flatter me."---do so!

11Aug09

"I don't like these photos at all," he said, "I look like an ape."
The photographer, famous for his sitas well as for his art, favored him with a glance of lofty diddain.
"You should have thought of that before you had them taken,"was his reply as he turned back to work.

1939, Publication of John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wratn.

1969, Opening of the Woodstock Festival where more than 400,000 hippies reunite to listen to some twenty artists.

Quote for the day:
Twenty years ago the girls never thought of doing the things they do nowadays. That's why they didn't do them.

10Aug09

"And this beautiful jar," said Jones, proudly exhibiting his treasures. "It cost me $50."
"Well, well, $50." said his friend.
"I suppose they threw in the marmalade."

1938, Air France offers a flight reoute between Marseille and Hong Kong. The voyage lasts 5 days.

1959, Rosanna Arquette is born.

1960, Antonio Banderas is born.

1953, In Canada liberal Louis Stephen Saint-Laurent is re-elected for a second time as Prime Minister.

Quote for the day:
A little woman is a dangerous thing.

09Aug09

"I painted something for last year's academy."
"Was it hung?"
"Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it."
"Congratulations! What was it?"
"A board saying, 'Keep to the left.'"

1962, Marilyn Monroe dies.

1936, Jesse Owens wins fourth gold medal at Summer Olympics in Berlin.

1945, The United States drop the second atomic bomb on Nagasaki.

1957, Melanie Griffith is born.

1963, Whitney Houston is born.

Quote for the day:
The law says girls are minors until they're twenty one; but a lot of them are gold-diggers all of their lives.

08Aug09

Critic---"Ah! And what is this? It is superb! What soul! What expreession!"
Artist---"Yeah? That's where I clean the paint off my brushes."

1919, Dino De Laurentiis is born.

1922, Jazz trumpeter Louis Armstrong, part of the great exodus of Blacks from the southern to the northern US, leaves New Orleans to play jazz in Chicago with mentor King Oliver.

1925, An estimated 40,000 Ku Klux Klan members march through Washington, D>C> as part of the organization's first national congress.

1937, Dustin Hoffman is born.



Quote for the day:
A man who is always in a stew generally goes to pot.

Mrs. Newrich had given the landscape artist carte blanche and he was showing her over the formal garden.
"What is that?" she asked. He told her it was a sundial. "What's a sundial?" He patiently explained how the sun moving through the heavens cast a shadow which is recorded on the dial, indicating the time of day. Mrs. Newrich beamed with interest.
"My goodness," she exclaimed, "these modern inventions! What will they think of next?"

1942, British General Bernard Montgomery takes command of the Eighth Army in North Africa.

1942, The American Marines land in Guadalcanal.

1957, Oliver Hardy dies.

1962, The US officially declares war on Vietnam



Quote for the day:
An itch for office does not always lead to a niche in the temple of fame.

06Aug09

Friend---"Why have you the general in such a peculiar pose?"
Sculptor---"You see, it was started as an equestrian statue, and then the committee found they couldn't afford the horse."

1934, US rule in Haiti ends.

1945, The US launch the first bomb on Hiroshima (75,000 deaths)

1978, Pope Paul VI dies and is succeeded by John-Paul I



Quote for the day:
If men have no faith in one another, all of us would have to live within our incomes.

05Aug09

"You say that I am the first model you ever kissed?"
"Yes."
"And how many models have you had before me?"
"Four, An apple, two oranges, and a vase of flowers."

1906, John Huston is born.

1962, Nelson Mandela, South African freedom fighter, imprisoned. He was not released until 1990.

1966, Beginning of the Cultural Revolution in China with the publication of Mao's Little Red Book.

1984, Death of Richard Burton.



Quote for the day:
The girl who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right but she is more often left.

04Aug09

A cynic was standing in front of an exhibition of local art talent labeled, "Art Objects."
"Well," he announced to the attendant in charge, "I should think Art would object, and I can't say that I blame her."

1927, Flight: new world record for duration of flight. Germans Edzard and Risticz fly for 53 hours and 23 minutes.

1934, Inauguration of Germany's first highway (Autobahn).

1947, First supersonic flight.



Quote for the day:
A man always chases a woman until she catches him.

03Aug09

"How do you account for your success as a futuristic painter?"
"I use a model with the hic-coughs."

1929 Edwin Powell Hubble (1889-1953) proves the theory of the expansion of the Universe by measuring the distances between galaxies and the speed at which they are moving further away.

1940, Martin Sheen is born.



Quote for the day:
Clothes often fake the man.

02Aug09

Auctioneer---"What am I offered for this beautiful bust of Robert Burns?"
Man in Crown---"That ain't Burns...that's Shakespeare."
Auctioneer---"Well, folks, the joke's on me. That shows what I know about the Bible."

1922, Alexander Graham Bell, telephone inventor, dies.

1923, Presiden Harding dies. Calvin Coolidge takes office the next day.

1932, Peter O'Toole is born.

1990, Iraq invades Kuwait. The UN imposes sanctions on Bagdad.



Quote for the day:
A long-legged sheep in the Himalayas is able to run forty miles an hour. That's the kind of little lamb to follow Mary nowadays.

01Aug09

Artist---"That, sir, is a cow grazing."
Visitor---"Where is the grass?"
Artist---"The cowh has eaten it."
Visitor---"But where is the cow?"
Artist---"You don't suppose she'd be fool enough to stay there after she'd eaten all the grass, do you?"

1920, Mahatma Gandhi begins national campaign to rally the population of India to use passive resistance and disobedience against the occupying British colonialist government. He embarks on a trip to urge disobedience with courts, schools, government and military service, and advocates boycotting of foreign goods. The action is prompted by an earlier massacre of Indians and is also a protest against strict British laws clamping down on political activitiesl. During Sept. 4-9 the nationalist Indian Congress, inspired by Gandhi's popular actions, commits itself to fighting for home rule.



Quote for the day:
God made women without a sense of humor so they could love men instead of laughing at them.